Averting Disaster

So last night I had my NUJLS conference call and I had it on speaker phone. My mother came in just as the Executive Director was addressing me by my current chosen name. Thankfully, my mother seemed not to notice. Anyway, that was close.

The Axe is Ours!

Stanford won Big Game - 20-13. The axe is returned to its rightful owners. Of course I am excited that Stanford managed to upset USC and Cal in the same season, and I am happy whenever Stanford wins Big Game. However, it makes me sad to realize that my grandfather won't be reluctantly wearing a Stanford hat in public this winter. But I gladly won't be wearing any Cal gear for a while.

Work Gets Increasingly Frustrating

I love ECDC. I really do. I love my job as well. However, as the time gets nearer and nearer to the end of the semester (and of me working there), I am getting increasingly frustrated with my job. The gender conformity enforced in the education of youngsters infuriates me currently, and being in the closet makes me angry. Why on earth would I be in the closet, you ask. Well, primarily, I believe they would fire me if I weren't. Anyway, in some ways I am treated like regular staff (instead of a college student) because I work essentially half-time. And as such, I am the only one a) not in a relationship and b) without a husband or boyfriend, unless you count my facebook relationship with a male friend.

The point is, I'm ready to be done.

Latke Hamantash Symposium - 61st Edition

This year's debate lived up to my expectations, but did not exceed them. In terms of numbers, there were two in favor of the latke, two in favor of the hamantash, approximately. Although all the speakers put forth good (although primarily fallacious) arguments, I was especially impressed with Alberto Simpser, who explained that election fraud contributed to the latke's perpetual win of the vote count. He stated that the Latke Lobby is in the business of not only setting the agenda of the debate, but also of intimidation of the voters, similar to states like Iraq (under Hussein, I assume) and cities like Chicago.

Anyway, the point is, I had fun.

NUJLS!

NUJLS Conference 2008 registration is up and running! Check out the link.

National Novel Writing Month

I'm attempting National Novel Writing Month, not expecting to succeed. My hope is that it will improve my rough draft skills.

I was on the local news

So I was on the local news last night and this morning. The network happened to be Fox, and they got one fact incorrect, but they did a good job on their story anyway. I, of course, had to use my old name, but that is to be expected.

On a related note (to the name thing), yesterday I used my old name with someone who knows my new name. He was startled. It was just after I left work though, and I was still in work mode, so it was understandable.

How NUJLS has impacted my life

So I wrote a little article for a newsletter on the title topic. I think it's excellent, and after it goes out I'll post it here.

South Bend Politics

So in South Bend, where I grew up, there is a mayoral election coming up. The Republican challenger has made the campaign extremely negative, whereas the Democratic incumbent has stayed as positive as possible. I hope that he wins.

Anyway, a group started called Citizens for Progress through Hope not Fear. It wants to rise above the negativity and put forward a positive image of South Bend. Although this is a real struggle for me, I am trying to work at thinking about positive things about South Bend and you can read them in my other blog (as I blog them) at kythester.blogspot.com.

My New Name

So I have found a name I like and have started to use it.

What I strive for

מקום שלבי אוהב
מקום שלבי אוהב
מקום שלבי אוהב
שם רגלי מוליכות אותי

In other words (poetic translation)

The place that my heart holds dear
The place that my heart holds dear
The place that my heart holds dear
That my feet may bring me near

Feeling less alone

So, after talking to a few genderqueer (of some type or another) friends, I'm feeling like there are people out there who can and do advocate for me. I am not alone in my struggle. The song I wrote about in my last post has returned to being simply one of my favorites for now.

No point to this post, other than I wanted to share.

I have no one

Of course, the above subject is not true. My friends so far have been supportive, at least the ones I know have absorbed what I've said about my gender. However, I do feel alone, though I'm not.

Hence, I have been listening to the song "אין לי אף אחד" (I Have No One) by הדג נחש (which is complicated to translate). The chorus has the base "I have no one" and then excerpts from the song "If I had a Hammer." I guess I respond to those lines because I feel like once again, I have nobody to advocate for me. It's odd that confirming my feelings would cheer me up, but it seems to be working.

לו היה לי רק שיר

Take Comfort!

So today is Shabbat Nachamu, and keeping that in mind, I have tried to comfort myself in my newfound situation. Seeing that I have no Isaiah, and God has not come out of the woodwork yet, this takes a valiant effort. I have prayed T'filat Haderech as a marker of the start of a new journey. This helped some, but I am still in search of comfort.

Shabbat Nachamu

I am excited to be leading Torah study and chanting Torah on this Shabbat. Va'etchanan is a wonderful Torah portion, which includes Moses pleading with God, Moses referred to as "at" (the feminine form of you singular in Hebrew), the second version of the ten commandments, and the first paragraph of Sh'ma among a plethora of other interesting topics.

However, what takes the cake this week is the Haftarah. It is the first Haftarah of consolation after Tisha B'Av, the commemoration of almost every calamity that has befallen the Jews so far. The first of seven such Haftarot, this one orders comfort, a sort of יהיה טוב for Biblical times. Anyway, it is my favorite Haftarah because it means and can mean so much. It names the Shabbat, not the Torah portion. I take my blog's name from it's first three words (Nachamu is repeated for emphasis).

Genderqueer, or does queer come in quanta?

I am admitting to myself now my own genderqueerness, almost two years after I first realized it. Now, keeping it from myself has kept me up at night. Does queer come in quanta? Because right now, I feel extra queer, if that makes any sense. I no longer identify as a woman. So maybe this makes me trans, but in that extra-to-the-gender-binary way, not in the crossing from one gender in the binary to the other. I'm not sure the label "butch" quite describes me (maybe it will soon), although it comes closest.

Any pronoun will do, pretty much. The neuter (same as masculine) in the Hebrew appeals, but that is not useful. So use whatever pronoun system you want; I don't want to make a fuss about this issue.

My one concern is failing to be the daughter of my parents and granddaughter of my grandfather זצ"ל. However, I have not told my parents, so this is not yet an issue.

I suppose it's only fitting that I should be this way. I was never taught to be feminine (except by Amy and Stacey) but that was already too late, and even if I was taught earlier, I probably would have rebelled against it. The last time I was happy in a dress I was four, and that was for the novelty, not for the dress itself.

The name thing is still an issue.

Of course, I'll keep my handle.

Kythe

Sorry for my absence

Sorry for my prolonged absence from this blog. I did not reach my goal of reading 50 non-school books, but whatever. This is not the year to try to do better.

I am working on B.A. Thesis and finding a job for next year.

I am taking some time of before becoming a rabbi for personal reasons.