Reflections on the Life of Rabbi Arnold Jacob Wolf

So, perhaps, this entry ought to be called my interactions with Rabbi Wolf, z"l. I met him when I was in high school through my involvement in NFTY-CAR. He had a gruff personality, but a good heart. He told me he would not call my by my (then) nickname, but rather by my given name, because he thought that my nickname was diminutive, and he wanted to show respect for me.

I remember vividly the first session I went that he did. It was about prayer, and I firmly stated that I did not see the purpose of saying the g'vurot because I do not believe that God has the power to heal the sick, lift the fallen, or free the captive. He argued that that may be the case, but God created people, who have the power to do so.

At another session, he proclaimed it impossible to be "spiritual, not religious." At a third he said it is more important to keep kosher outside the home than inside it.

When Jewish-Muslim Dialogue at the University of Chicago visited KAM Isaiah Israel, Rabbi Wolf appeared out of nowhere to ask us what is necessary for a Jewish community. The answer? A minyan.

Rabbi Wolf was always an advocate for social justice and civil rights. In response to Hillels of Illinois holding an event in the Congress Hotel, he told me to cross the picket line in order to get the people inside to join the strike.

He was a man who was never afraid to say what he thought. He was steeped in tradition and immersed in the modern world.

Rabbi Arnold Jacob Wolf (1924-2008) zichrono livracha

On the Days I Wish I Could Forget

On the days I wish I could forget, I remember most. Sometimes I wish I could block out what happened, block out that it happened, and have my beloved back in my arms. Of course, I understand the drive to suicide better than most, but that doesn't make hers any easier to deal with. I wish that I had someone who knew my beloved, really knew her, to talk to, but no one like that exists, at least no one that I talk to anymore. Anyway, I guess the point is that I miss her, that I can't forget, no matter how hard I try, and that the truth is that I really don't want to.

Time Goes Fast, But All Too Slowly

I think back to four months ago, or even back to March, and it seems like all the events in that time period only happened within a few days, but now passing the time seems to take forever.

A Brighter Tomorrow

"Change is coming to America." - President-Elect Barack Obama, November 4th, 2008 (Chicago, IL)

Typing that is so surreal for me right now. I know that we elected him, but I find it hard to recognize all the implications. Working in Indiana, I find this victory especially meaningful, as even Indiana voted for Barack. In fact, Indiana had the second largest shift in the country, right behind Hawaii.

Anyway, more on this when I figure out what to say.

Meeting Barack

Thursday I had the opportunity to meet Senator Barack Obama in Indianapolis. What a day!

The Soul that You Have Given Me, O God, is a Pure One

I have been coming closer and closer to the line between genderqueer and transgender. At times I feel I have stepped over it, but I am not sure. For the first time, I feel confused concerning myself. Confusion is a strange state in which to be, and I don't like it.

In many ways, my life would be easier as a transman than as a genderqueer person. There would be an actual identity box, if you will, for me to live in, as opposed to the lack thereof. The answers would be ready-made, at least most of them. However, I'm not sure that simply being masculine is enough to push me over the line.

I do know that either way, I am secure in the knowledge that I am created in the divine image, but I just wish I had some answers right now.

Explaining my absence from blogging

I am currently an intern for the Obama campaign and thus have been busy. Having a little bit of insomnia I am able to write. Not much new is happening, but it looks like there's a shot for Obama to win in Indiana, which would be nothing less than incredible. I will be able to post more when the campaign is over. Shanah tovah um'tukah.

Shabbat Nachamu

Tonight begins Shabbat Nachamu, my favorite Shabbat, as you might guess from the name of my blog. The first Shabbat after Tisha b'Av, it is named after the Haftarah portion, which begins with the words nachamu, nachamu ami (take comfort my people). These words were offered after the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem in 586 BCE, but they are still needed today. We are faced with many devastating realities, and we need to remember that we can take comfort in what we have.

Politics Unusual

August 3rd:
I read in the newspaper that Senator Barack Obama, also known as the presumptive democratic nominee, was going to be in Elkhart (which is a little over 1/2 an hour from my part of South Bend) on August 6th. However, there were only 1,000 (free) tickets available, being handed out at the Elkhart Campaign for Change office on August 4th, at which I could not be. So, seeing as how I'm a volunteer for the campaign in South Bend, I asked the regional field director if I could volunteer at the event. He said sure, I'd have to be there at 6AM, and I explained I needed a ride. I found one and went to the event.

August 6th:
4:15 AM: I woke up and got ready to go.
5:00 AM: I was picked up.
5:45 AM: I arrived in Elkhart at Concord High School.
6:00 AM: I was herded with the other volunteers and assigned to be an usher.
6:30 AM: I went through the heavy security to the building and went to the gym where the event was to be held.
7:15 AM: Doors opened to the ticket holders. I directed them to seats.
9:30 AM: The Feild Organizer for Elkhart spoke briefly to thank people for coming.
10:00 AM: Senator Evan Bayh (of Indiana) introduced Sen. Obama
10:10 AM: Senator Obama spoke for about 20 minutes, and then took 7 questions from the audience.
After his speech: I wanted to shake his hand, and was in position to do so, but my Field Organizer decided to pull me to sign up volunteers. Oh well.

Yesterday, due to certain circumstances, I was able to meet Jill Long Thompson, Democratic candidate for Governor of Indiana. She was very sweet.

Also, I am applying for an internship with the Campaign for Change (Obama's campaign). I'm not getting my hopes up, but I am sending in my resume.

Grandpa

Having had no time to write on my grandfather's yahrzeit, I feel compelled to write now. Grandpa exhibited the best in humanity, and was described at his memorial service as a "marathon mensch." He was kind and generous, sweet and charming. He made each person he knew feel like ze was the most important, most loved person on the planet. It's been slightly more than three years now, and I miss him. zichrono livracha, may his memory be for blessing.

In a Slow Down

Today seems to be passing extremely slowly. I try to live each day on its own, but that has come to be each hour, each minute, each second today. Maybe this should be telling me something, but I can't figure out what.

Eight years

It has been eight years since my beloved died, and yet it seems like yesterday we were in each other's arms. It has been longer since I've spoken to her, and yet I remember her voice vividly. Although it has been even longer since I saw her, her mannerisms stay with me still.

I fear that someday I'll forget, someday my memory of her will fade to the point where she is only a dream, only a whisper of who she once was. And then, what really was won't be, and her spark will have been extinguished. I know this is irrational; I know that I will remember her, even if the tone of her voice goes away, even if the curve of her cheek goes away. I know I'll remember the security I felt with her, the one-ness I experienced with her.

Asking

Please remember that you are never alone. There is always someone out there who understands your experience because ze has lived through a similar one. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Asking might keep you alive.

Those Funny Little Things

There are those funny things that will make you smile when you're having a rough time. I'm not talking about things that will lift you out of a depression - those are a different story. I'm talking about those little coincidences, events, and interactions, that have you smiling for at least a moment of your otherwise awful day.

For me, hearing "Small Town" by John Mellencamp reminded me of a friend who used to work in Seymour, Indiana, and of that friend's ability to cheer me up. So I smiled, maybe for the first time in two days, I smiled.

In Memory of All Those Who Died to Soon

I don't quite know how to begin this post, perhaps because I am still in shock. On Monday, I found out that a friend of mine was found dead in his apartment on Friday. A friend of mine, who would have started as a third year this year at the University of Chicago, was found dead. David, the friend, and I were not especially close, although we conversed on a regular basis. He chanted Torah for my naming ceremony. He a kind, gentle, soft-spoken person, but that did not detract from his determination. I am writing a letter to his family, which I hope to send soon.

This post in memory of those who have died too soon, including:
David Stein
Elizabeth Comer
Zac Polaski
Melody Jackson

May their memories be for blessing.

The Continual Impact of OSRUI on My Life

Instead of writing something profound about being a queer Jew, which I will, often enough, right now I'd like to write about the impact that Olin-Sang-Ruby Union Institute continues to have on my life. (OSRUI is a Reform Jewish camp in Wisconsin where I spent 10 summers growing up.)

First, the big things:
On the postive side:
OSRUI has influenced the way I think about Judaism and life, and life and Judaism; OSRUI has instilled within me the importance of friendship; OSRUI got me to love and revere nature.
On the negative side:
OSRUI has contributed, if not to my internalized homophobia and transphobia, then to my tendency to prefer passing as straight and cisgendered; OSRUI has persuaded me to wait to go back until its current director, Jerry Kaye, has ended his tenure.

The big things are important, but it's the little things I think of most often.
Shabbat Shira in Port Hall. Rikudei Am on the basketball courts. Playing tennis with Rabbi Hart. The kissing tree (I mean the "conversation" tree). Waking up (really) early for refet duty. Teva chug, media chug, photography chug. The singing tree. Danny Maseng singing "B'shem Hashem" at night during a thunderstorm. Downstairs Sweep (specifically Judaica Bowl). The KILTIE. Oconomostock. Jeremiah was a bullfrog. A little louder. Peanut butter and jelly on the stump. Shimon. Shmulik. Sunrise over the lake. The Migdal, old and new. Shtick.

And the list goes on. As much as I loved NFTY, and as much as I love NUJLS, for good and for bad, I cannot think of a place that has impacted me and my Judaism more than OSRUI.

A long-overdue Post

So, I have not updated in some time. In the intervening period, I have come out (again) to almost everybody, including my parents. My expectations for life after coming out again are many and varied, and some have held true while others became false. I've seen my relationships with others transform, some in a good way, some in a bad way. However, I know I've become more true to myself. I've chosen a new Hebrew name, in addition to my new English name, and being called to the Torah by this name for the first time last Saturday was a powerful, beautiful experience.

Queering the Body

Perhaps this is hard to believe, but this week was the first time that I saw just me in the mirror, instead of myself in a gendered/sexed body. I consider this as an accomplishment as many would look at me and say instantly that I'm a woman based on my child-bearing figure. Sometimes I have seen a man in the mirror, but this is the first time I've just seen myself, gender-irrelevant.