Feeling less alone

So, after talking to a few genderqueer (of some type or another) friends, I'm feeling like there are people out there who can and do advocate for me. I am not alone in my struggle. The song I wrote about in my last post has returned to being simply one of my favorites for now.

No point to this post, other than I wanted to share.

I have no one

Of course, the above subject is not true. My friends so far have been supportive, at least the ones I know have absorbed what I've said about my gender. However, I do feel alone, though I'm not.

Hence, I have been listening to the song "אין לי אף אחד" (I Have No One) by הדג נחש (which is complicated to translate). The chorus has the base "I have no one" and then excerpts from the song "If I had a Hammer." I guess I respond to those lines because I feel like once again, I have nobody to advocate for me. It's odd that confirming my feelings would cheer me up, but it seems to be working.

לו היה לי רק שיר

Take Comfort!

So today is Shabbat Nachamu, and keeping that in mind, I have tried to comfort myself in my newfound situation. Seeing that I have no Isaiah, and God has not come out of the woodwork yet, this takes a valiant effort. I have prayed T'filat Haderech as a marker of the start of a new journey. This helped some, but I am still in search of comfort.

Shabbat Nachamu

I am excited to be leading Torah study and chanting Torah on this Shabbat. Va'etchanan is a wonderful Torah portion, which includes Moses pleading with God, Moses referred to as "at" (the feminine form of you singular in Hebrew), the second version of the ten commandments, and the first paragraph of Sh'ma among a plethora of other interesting topics.

However, what takes the cake this week is the Haftarah. It is the first Haftarah of consolation after Tisha B'Av, the commemoration of almost every calamity that has befallen the Jews so far. The first of seven such Haftarot, this one orders comfort, a sort of יהיה טוב for Biblical times. Anyway, it is my favorite Haftarah because it means and can mean so much. It names the Shabbat, not the Torah portion. I take my blog's name from it's first three words (Nachamu is repeated for emphasis).

Genderqueer, or does queer come in quanta?

I am admitting to myself now my own genderqueerness, almost two years after I first realized it. Now, keeping it from myself has kept me up at night. Does queer come in quanta? Because right now, I feel extra queer, if that makes any sense. I no longer identify as a woman. So maybe this makes me trans, but in that extra-to-the-gender-binary way, not in the crossing from one gender in the binary to the other. I'm not sure the label "butch" quite describes me (maybe it will soon), although it comes closest.

Any pronoun will do, pretty much. The neuter (same as masculine) in the Hebrew appeals, but that is not useful. So use whatever pronoun system you want; I don't want to make a fuss about this issue.

My one concern is failing to be the daughter of my parents and granddaughter of my grandfather זצ"ל. However, I have not told my parents, so this is not yet an issue.

I suppose it's only fitting that I should be this way. I was never taught to be feminine (except by Amy and Stacey) but that was already too late, and even if I was taught earlier, I probably would have rebelled against it. The last time I was happy in a dress I was four, and that was for the novelty, not for the dress itself.

The name thing is still an issue.

Of course, I'll keep my handle.

Kythe