9 Av

This year I find that my fast has been easy so far, with three hours left to go.  Not that that's the point of Tisha b'Av, but it's noteworthy.  I feel appropriately in touch with brokenness and conscious that our world remains unredeemed. But Tisha b'Av as mourning doesn't feel meaningful, maybe because I'm already mourning.  In addition to the loss of Mr. Boy, this year Tisha b'Av is my grandpa's yahrzeit.  The metaphor of a bottom speaks much more to me this year.  It feels like the world, the people Israel (not to mention the land), and my life have all hit bottom.  I wish I could write more on this, but now is not the time.

Anyway, some 9 Av meditations if you are in need.  Not standard ones.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRPwFAoQwxc

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/jul/20/sayed-kashua-why-i-have-to-leave-israel

Memory

Memory is a funny thing, and I feel like I've been stuck in it all day.  Memories of my love have been swirling around me and popping up, and her brother asked me when I was going to stop being weird.  I was hanging out with some friends today to avoid spending all day alone in my apartment, and one was talking about James Taylor, so I mentioned that our song was "You Can Close Your Eyes."  I remembered her singing it to me for so long before I picked up on why she was doing it.  When I realized it, I felt stupid.

When today has been too much for me, I've tried visualizing the Beit Teva at Tzofim at OSRUI in my head.  It is the place I sought refuge at camp whenever I needed to.  I'm trying to see myself sitting on a stump surrounded by woods, with fewer mosquitos, of course.  And trying to get to that refuge in my head has helped when I feel like I need to escape.