Necktie

The first time she tied a tie around my neck we were twelve. Well, maybe I was still eleven but she was twelve. She popped the collar on her dress shirt I was wearing, which was much too large for me, as she was already quite tall. She held the tie in both hands and swung it over my head as if it were a lasso, pulling me closer to her in the process. She tied a Windsor knot with a dimple, and slid it up to the collar. She pulled the collar down over the tie, which was red. Then she declared the knot perfect.

There are so many little vignettes like this one swirling around in my head right now. I am grateful that I still remember so many of these little scenes. However, sometimes I wish they would haunt me less.

It Gets Better!

There's an Israeli pop song called Yih'yeh Tov - it will get better. This song, a fervent hope for peace, has also served as one of my reminders that life will get better. I believe that society and my life are moving in a positive direction, although not always monotonically. (Sorry for my math-nerdiness.)

However, in the past week, I have been reminded of a slightly different message. In response to the continued (and perceived worsening) occurrences of queer and questioning teen suicide attempts and completions, Dan Savage launched the "It gets better project." This project is a youtube channel where anyone, celebrities like Ellen DeGeneres, people prominent in the queer community like Dan Savage, and anyone else with access to a webcam (most libraries have them if you don't) can record a message of how it got better for that person. IT DOES GET BETTER! If you don't believe me, watch some of the multitude of videos already posted to the site http://www.youtube.com/user/itgetsbetterproject. I especially recommend Kate Bornstein's video. Kate is the author of Hello, Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide For Teens, Freaks, and Other Outlaw.

Let me be clear: THE MESSAGE "IT GETS BETTER" IS NOT ENOUGH! It is true, but it is not enough. We cannot expect queer youth (or anyone, for that matter) to sit on their hands waiting for some magic day when their lives will improve. We need to be supportive of their struggles now, find and work on ways to alleviate their current suffering, not simply assure them that it will lessen over time. Our schools are not safe, let alone welcoming. In many places in this country, including in my home town, discrimination against LGBTQ persons is legal. Furthermore, in addition to working to ease the lives of queer youth, we need to persuade queer, questioning, and straight youth to get involved in improving their own lives. THE STRUGGLE FOR EQUALITY FOR LGBTQ PERSONS IN THIS COUNTRY IS ONGOING.

So many older queer activists have moved beyond activism for physical safety of queer persons into an effort to include legal recognition of same-sex marriage. Many of these activists live in large urban areas where progress is furthest in the struggle for queer existence. They see the effort for legal recognition of their relationships as the final frontier of the fight for gay rights [sic]. Legal recognition of same-sex marriage may be akin to putting a man on the moon, but in so many places in this country, and in the entire world, we have not even been able to start a space program. Why are so many prominent queer activists focused on securing legal recognition of marriage when many queer youth are afraid to go to their schools for fear of being attacked? THE STRUGGLE FOR EQUALITY FOR LGBTQ PERSONS IN THIS COUNTRY MUST FOCUS FIRST AND FOREMOST ON OUR RIGHT TO EXIST. This right - the right to live - a right so famously laid out by Thomas Jefferson in the Declaration of Independence, a right that our country's founders fought to secure, still eludes LGBTQ persons in this country. I invite, and I urge, everyone to help me secure that right, for you, for me, and for those younger than me including but not limited to those people who identify as or are perceived as members of the queer community.

Be a role model - help make it better.

A FINAL MESSAGE TO ANYONE WHO READS THIS (AND EVERYONE WHO DOESN'T: YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO LIVE! EXERCISE THAT RIGHT!

A link:

The Trevor Project http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

Missing my love

Today I missed my love especially. It has been twelve years since we made our relationship official (in writing - facebook didn't exist yet).

I reveled in thinking about how stupid I was then, and how I haven't changed all that much since then in certain ways. I replayed my awkwardness over and over in my head. And I replayed our first kiss that ended the awkwardness, at least temporarily, over as well, trying to remember all the details about it that I could, and I surprised myself by how vivid my memory of that scene is. Maybe Ginkgo Girl can profit from making a teeny-bopper movie of my life after all.

I fast-forwarded to many of my favorite times with my love, trying today to focus only on our good times. I remembered countless nights of falling asleep listening to her voice and the feeling of waking up comfortable and secure in her arms. I remembered many instances of my own ineptness and her extraordinary ability to tease without malice. I remembered reading her poems by Rilke and noting which ones she liked to hear. I remembered the conscious effort I made to touch her shoulders rather than her face once she became uncomfortable with her stubble. I remembered sneaking into town in order to be ourselves.

I felt guilty that I was angry with her for so long. I was mad at myself for destroying so much both deliberately and inadvertently. I read the notes I had collected to send to her but never got the chance, and found a curious line: "May sounds nice, but it would have to be late May, after [my brother's] birthday. Don't worry, I won't make you wear that fake green dress I would buy you if I had a million dollars." I racked my brain to remember what the line referred to, but could only come up with one conjecture - we were planning a fantasy wedding.

Joe Donnelly's Latest Stunt

Joe Donnelly's latest tv ad has garnered national attention. In the ad, Congressman Donnelly (my representative) distances himself from the "Washington leadership" and puts forth an extremely strict and xenophobic position on immigration. Donnelly is a conservative democrat, both fiscally and socially. I am not surprised that his views on immigration are draconian, simplistic, and against the best interests of many residents (immigrants and native US citizens) of his district. I am however puzzled at his apparent need to distance himself from the democratic party even further.

Congressman Donnelly is facing a challenge from the very conservative State Representative Jackie Walorski. Thus, I do not understand the making of this ad from either a philosophical or a political perspective. Philosophically, Congressman Donnelly is already far to the right of both the left-wing and the moderate contingent of the Democratic party. Politically, he will not gain many votes by emphasizing issues on which he agrees with the most conservative Republicans because conservative Republicans in the district will vote for Representative Walorski anyway. A better political strategy for Congressman Donnelly would be to emphasize issues where he disagrees with Walorski in order to mobilize voters in the Democratic base. Voters who can't see the difference between Donnelly and Walorski will be far less likely to go to the polls. Donnelly should not be so complacent as to take the voting block of left-leaning Democrats for granted.

My thoughts on the recent developments in the ADL

I have disagreed with the ADL, and particularly Abe Foxman, on many issues over the years. Most of these issues have been issues on which Foxman and/or the ADL seek out prejudice and defamation in instances where I feel none exists. In general, Foxman and the ADL are that most sensitive spot on the body of the Jewish people that acts up with the same ferocity for the slightest provocation or lack thereof as it does when beaten with a two-by-four.

Although I have felt that the ADL should calm down on numerous occasions, and remember them being on the useless side of things a lot, I cannot remember thinking that the ADL and Foxman were just plain wrong about something as much as I think that they are on the issue of the mosque and Islamic center which is being built near Ground Zero in NYC. I understand suggesting a voluntary relocation of the center based on controversy avoidance, but assuming that Muslims seeking a place to pray and a multifaith community center are defaming the families of 9/11 victims, many of whom support the center, reaks of Islamaphobia. While I used to regard the ADL as the harmless knight that no one needed around anymore, it seems as though Foxman has turned it into an anti-Muslim political machine.

I personally am embarrassed by the stand that the ADL has taken on this issue. That said, the ADL does not speak for all Jews, and certainly does not speak for me on this issue. I hope that the ADL reconsiders its position, but I fear that that is not likely. I urge people who support (legally, ideologically, or on both fronts) the construction of the center to speak out, and was impressed with the remarks of Mayor Bloomberg. Furthermore, I fear that the ADL will lose any credibility it still has as a watchdog for hatred, as it seems to be engaged in the behavior of hate.