How The Religious Institute Aims to Improve the Lives of Religious Bisexuals

In my life, I have been seen by others as a straight woman, a lesbian, a gay man, and even a straight man (which still baffles me).  Once people get to know me, they learn that I say I have attractions to people of multiple genders, but they don't often believe me.  When I started dating Mr. Boy, many of my friends who met me after my previous relationship with a man were shocked.  Even though I had stated my bisexuality (for lack of a more convenient term), my friends assumed that was talk and I was really only attracted to women.

In religious contexts in particular, even in otherwise queer-friendly spaces, this invisibility is worse and I have often encountered outright biphobia.  I think part of the reason bisexual invisibility is increased in religious spaces is the focus on finding one person to share your life with (I say one here because religious groups, as a whole, have not caught up to ideas of non-monogamy).  When people are in a relationship, this is praised in religious communities to an extent that erases sexual orientation.  This is particularly true in liberal Jewish communities where the reaction to someone saying they have a partner of the same gender is to ask if that partner is Jewish (another conversation for another time).

The Religious Institute today releases a book-length guide which will improve the experience of bisexual folk in religious communities.  The first resource of its kind, Bisexuality: Making the Invisible Visible in Faith Communities, is a comprehensive guide for religious communities to welcoming and inclusion people who have attractions to more than one gender whether or not they identify as bisexual.  The book asks the reader to consider whether the B in LGBT actually gets heard at her congregation.  Parts 1 and 2 of the book present an overview: Part 1 focuses on what bisexuality is and how people experience it and Part 2 on the justifications for inclusion of bisexuality on religious grounds from a variety of religious perspectives.  Part 2 also contains a brief contextualization of the "problematic" passages about LGBT folks from Tanakh and the New Testament.  The third part of the book outlines how to create a "bisexually healthy" religious community.  And the last part of the book outlines additional resources.  In short, the book attempts to address the issue Emily Alpert Reyes describes in her column "Why Bisexuals Stay in the Closet", which, incidentally, gets quoted in the book (props to friend and fellow University of Chicago Alum).

Suggestions in the book range from the often-overlooked-but-easily-implemented (writing out lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender so that the B isn't functionally silent) to the takes-specific-training-and-is-hard-to-implement, like the model of pastoral care it advocates.  That and the background information in Parts 1 and 2 enable this guide to be used by clergy and lay leaders regardless of prior familiarity with the issue, but also allow those with much experience to go even deeper.  The beginning of the introduction best describes the intricate issues examined in the book:

Imagine the following situations in your faith community:

• A congregant comes to you for pastoral counseling. He is excited, yet distressed that 

although he has always identified as straight, he has fallen in love with someone 

of the same sex.

• You are on the search committee for a new pastor in your community. One of the 

applicant’s profiles states that she identifies as bisexual. 

• A married woman in your congregation finds explicit homoerotic websites on her 

husband’s computer and comes to you for advice.

• A person everyone believes to be gay comes to a congregation party holding hands 

with a person of another sex.

• Two middle school students in the youth group announce that they are bisexual. 

Is your faith community prepared for these situations? Is your faith community open to 

people whose sexuality does not fit into the categories of gay/lesbian or straight? Does 

your faith community have access to resources about bisexuality and bisexual people? 

Even if you think you are good at theses issues, I encourage you to read through this book to see if your practices fall into some of the pitfalls the Religious Institute has identified.  I was surprised that some behaviors I thought were inclusive (hello big many-gender-loving trans guy here) could actually be detrimental.

Things the book does really well:

* Casts a wide net on what constitutes bisexuality that is well-explained.  The authors explicitly state who the guide is intended to help include, even, and perhaps especially people that don't use the term bisexual to describe themselves but experience same and other gender attractions on at least one dimension of sexuality.

* Combats the gender binary by using terms like "another gender" and "another sex" instead of "opposite sex" or "opposite gender".

* Talks about the ways in which bisexuals contribute specially to religious life and spiritual awareness.

* Presents nuanced and well-informed definition of sexuality and accounts of bisexual experience. I love the multiplicity of bisexual narratives in the book.

* Breaks down suggestions in a way that any congregation can start to implement immediately.

Things I don't like about the book:

* The phrase "bisexually healthy".  I assume it is meant to parallel the organization's use of the term "sexually healthy", but I don't think the usage is parallel and I think the term is confusing, even after it is defined.  I would advocate the words "friendly" and "safe" for bisexuals instead.

* The book is extremely monogamy-normative and does not address the issue of how to include and pastor to bisexuals who are not monogamous.  I personally think that the attitudes can exhibit the same poly shaming that is normative in many religious communities.  As a poly ally, this rubbed me the wrong way.

* Christian buzz-word terminology.  Uses of the terms "welcoming and affirming" and "faith communities" that originate or were popularized in Christian contexts present a barrier to non-Christians reading the book.  We would use "inclusive" and "religious communities."

Things that should be improved for the next edition:

* Better representation (particularly resource-wise) of religious traditions other than progressive Christian denominations.  In one resource list, Christian resources are divided by denomination, but no Jewish movement resources are listed.  Instead, there is one sub-header "Jewish" that lists Keshet and Nehirim.  This sort of listing, combined with the Christian-centric terminology

* More testimonials, with special effort to include testimonials of folks who are partnered to someone of the same gender.  Where partners are discussed in personal narratives, they are always of another gender than the writer of the narrative.

* A consistent use of gender instead of sex when the authors do not mean to focus on phenotypic, genotypic, or legal sex.

* Expansion to non-Abrahamic traditions - the book as it is now relies on the shared context for expression of values of Abrahamic faiths and the shared values of the Abrahamic religions.  Many other religious traditions are sexually healthy and would like to be safer, inclusive spaces for bisexual folks, and this guide would not be useful for them.  The authors state that it is intended for Christians, Jews, Muslims, and Unitarians.  But this sort of inclusion is necessary in all religious spaces.

In all, this is an incredibly practical and useful resource, and every religious (or faith, I suppose) leader should invest.  Good work, Religious Institute!

Stop Questioning My Gender Identity: On Piers Morgan, Janet Mock, and the trans narrative

Twice a week, on average, my Twitter feed erupts in some sort of controversy.  Like many activists, only "one side" of the issue appears in my feed, as I've constructed my twitterverse to be full of people whose thoughts, opinions, and interests are in concert with mine.  I have plenty of avenues to read the thoughts of people I respect that I disagree with, so I don't bother cluttering my twitter feed with homophobic, antichoice, conservative, transphobic, racist, procensorship, or interventionist sorts unless I also happen to be friends with them.  To be exposed to the opinions of people with whom I disagree, I need only read the newspaper, and if I want to be inundated with them, I can watch FOX News.  My twitterverse is therefore a space where I want to hang out: comfortable, welcoming, inviting, interesting, and safer, if not always safe.

The most recent controversy that popped up on my feed is the controversy over Piers Morgan's initial interview with Janet Mock.  The controversy has been extensively chronicled in the media, so I'll avoid rehashing it at length here.  In short, Janet Mock objected to the way Piers Morgan framed her story as being the story of someone who was formerly a boy and man and became a woman the moment she had vaginoplasty in Thailand.  Janet Mock's fan base got defensive and attacked Piers Morgan, calling him transphobic, and telling him he owed all trans* [sic] people everywhere an apology.  Piers Morgan objected to the criticism, accused Janet Mock of orchestrating abuse of him, and cited an article to justify his framing that she had been a man that Janet Mock did not write herself and critiques in the book, Redefining Realness: My Path to Womanhood, Indentity, Love & So Much More, which she was on the show to promote.  Morgan painted Mock as someone who was out to destroy his reputation, said that she did not object at the time, and repeated that he is a supporter of transgender rights.  Morgan's painting of the controversy fed into mainstream cultural narrative of transgender women: that they are deceptive, as did his overemphasis on Mock's coming out to her romantic partner, insinuating that if she had chosen not to do so, she would be a liar - a man trying to deceive another man into believing that he is a woman.  I do not believe Morgan meant to feed into this myth, but I also don't believe he did enough to avoid its presumptions.  Because of the controversy, Morgan invited Mock back to the show.  In the second interview, he asked her why he was being villified, what he did that could be interpreted as offensive, and why she did not object initially if she had a problem.  She explained (over and over) that she was assigned male at birth, she never identified as a boy or a man, she did not object initially because she was appreciative of the opportunity and scared about how an objection would be taken, and she reiterated that she did not villify Morgan.  She called him an ally and asserted the importance of him getting it right because of his platform as an ally.  She advised that we follow how trans women identify in order to describe them, rather than projecting our own assumptions on how they must identify or feel.  Morgan could not understand what a trans woman of color could possibly find scary about a straight white man.  The interview had several interruptions, but by the end, Mock seems to have communicated that there is a difference between sex and gender, if not that there was a power dynamic that made her fear of speaking out at the time justified.  While Redefining Realness is primarily about intersectionality, and Mock has stated that she cannot live a single identity, Morgan still reduces her appearance to a coming-out narrative and did not let her talk about the book.  Both interviews seem as though the questions were prepared only from the Marie Claire piece about Mock rather than a read of her book.

If Morgan had stopped after the second interview, it would have been an amazing thing for both of them.  Mock had the opportunity to explain what she found problematic, and Morgan had the opportunity to frame himself as an ally, trying to do his best to be supportive, and trying to understand if and how he failed so as not to repeat the mistakes.  However, then there was a panel, in which Ben Ferguson asserted that Mock was a man and boy and Amy Holmes said that the only reason that Mock appeared on Morgan's show is because she is trans (not, for example, that she had written a book as part of her activism).  While Morgan did a good job containing and reiterating what he had learned in closing the panel, there was no reason to have the panel for him to acknowledge he had learned something new.

Other than his insistence that he is a victim in the situation and his defensive stance, Morgan did exactly what allies should do: he asked questions, he listened, and he learned.  Mock, for her part, did exactly what she should do: she spoke up when she felt able that something an ally had done bothered her, and she patiently explained why while reiterating her understand of him as a supportive person.  As far as apologies are concerned, I don't believe anybody ever owes anybody an apology.  An apology is an expression of remorse for wrongdoing.  If Morgan wishes to apologize to Mock for mischaracterizing her story unintentionally, he is free to do so, and if Morgan wishes to apologize to his viewing public for not treating a guest in the most respectful manner possible, he may do so.  As far as all transfolk everywhere? The fault there lies with society, not with Piers Morgan.  We must give our allies the benefit of the doubt when they misstep.

Back to my Twitter feed: I felt alone, even though I'm not alone.  I identify as a man, but I have not always.  I used to identify as a woman, and I used to identify as girl.  I was never a boy.  Sure, I was a tomboy, and that led to many trying to impose the identity butch on me, but tomboy is a fundamentally girly gender expression.  I owned it.  I was the girl who liked sports. I was the girl who could spit farther than most boys.  I was the gamer, the geek, the stagehand, the techie.  I had Shirley Temple curls past my shoulders, wore mostly flannels and birkenstocks, and took pride at being able to get along with the men better than with other women.   was the kid who wanted to be an astronaut because Sally Ride's story inspired me (and also space is cool).  I still answer the curious question, "I didn't know women wear yarmulkes" with a strategic explanation that outside of Orthodoxy many women choose to.  I joke that it took me so long to come out as a man because I wanted to be Julie Silver whe I grew up. I still do, by the way.  I was raised on feminist literature and feminist ideals, and the women and men in my life emphasized the amazing women in the world.  I still took many of the amazing women in my life, particularly many of my early teachers, for granted. I looked forward to joining their ranks.  My eulogy for my grandpa was about his support of me growing into a strong woman.  Then my identity crashed.  As I learned more and more about the way the lens of gender is constructed, I learned that I my conceptions of my gendered self don't match how femininity has been constructed or how feminine masculinity has been constructed, and "woman" became too uncomfortable a term.  So I stopped using it.  For a while, I tried to be outside the constructed gender binary, but I identified with particular kinds of masculine constructions of gender identity, and I ended up feeling that the box "man" is broad enough to include me.  When I identify as a man, people see me for me, and I can interact without the gender dysphoria I used to have. When I identified as a woman, my masculinity was the most important, visible aspect of my identity.  Now, as an effeminate man, neither my effeminacy nor my masculinity stands out.  I sometimes am read as a butch woman, sometimes as a gay man, sometimes as delightfully androgynous (and therefore genderqueer - another problematic assumption), sometimes as a queer man, and very rarely as a straight man.  When I talk about the times in my life when I identified as a girl or a woman, I use feminine pronouns for myself, and when I talk about times since I stopped identifying that way I use masculine pronouns for myself.  This sometimes shocks the people I'm around; I've been known to make jaws drop when I say I used to be a Girl Scout.  Being socialized to be a girl and become a woman is an important aspect of my identity.  I don't compartmentalize me, and I know that it grants me a queer perspective compared to other men.  When trans activists claimed to speak for me that the language Morgan used would be wrong for any trans person, they were wrong, and they made me feel like my narrative wasn't valid.

Allies, haters, the indifferent, and trans activists should not discount my story because there are people who have always identified with a gender that does not match the sex they were assigned.  By being open about having been a girl and a woman, I am being true to myself at those times.  By identifying as a man, I let my gender presentation fade into the background, so I get to interact on a level that takes my gender as a given instead of a question.   And isn't that what Janet Mock wants for herself?

#24 - An Unquiet Mind

This book, an autobiography by Kay Redfield Jamison, explores the author's experience of manic-depressive illness (her preferred term for the disorder). Not only is it an excellent, though dark, read, it was an important one for me as well. I also have bipolar disorder, so it was an opportunity for me to learn about someone who has had similar experiences to my own.

#23 - Twice Blessed: On Being Lesbian or Gay and Jewish

This collection of essays, edited by Christine Balka and Andy Rose, is the second collection of queer Jewish writings I have read. It was as enlightening as the first, and I identified with much of what was written. The essays are of varying quality, but overall a good read if you have an interest. Not to harp on this, but queer Jews exist, and we write about our experiences - the good, the bad, and the ugly.

#22 - Sages and Dreamers

Sages and Dreamers is a collection of portraits of Biblical, Talmudic, and Hasidic figures. Each portrait, crafted skillfully by Elie Wiesel, is informative and entertaining at the same time. I liked the Talmudic portraits especially. This book made me think.

#21 - Night of Sorrows

This novel is the second book I've read by an author I'm glad to call my friend. Frances Sherwood writes fluid prose about the invasion of the Aztecs by Cortes, featuring his translator Malintzin. The plot kept me on my toes and I was able to learn some Spanish out of the deal as well. Romance, war, interesting people: this book has it all. An excellent read for mature audiences.

#20 - The Art of Public Prayer: Not for Clergy Only

This book, by Lawrence A. Hoffman, sets up the current state of public prayer in America as a problem. The author sees that many attend worship sessions which are unfulfilling. He poses as a solution looking at public prayer as a sacred drama. A good, quick read, which may be interesting to some.

#19 - Lesbian Rabbis: The First Generation

Edited by Rebecca T. Alpert, Sue Levi Elwell, and Shirley Idelson, this anthology of the experiences of 18 lesbian rabbis has been most instructive to me as I come closer to applying to rabbinical school myself. To read the experiences of the queer rabbis that are my heroines in the way they have faced adversity has helped me hone in on what makes me want to be a rabbi. Although this book may not be for everyone, it has been well read by yours truly.

#18 - Synagogue Life

This book is a study of the functionings of an modern Orthodox synagogue. It is very interesting, yet dense. My interest in communal prayer ritual led to a recommendation of this book by my adviser. Heilman, an Orthodox Jew himself, writes about his community with respect and a certain amount of detachment. The book is highly interesting, but I would only recommend going out of your way to read it if you already share interest in one of the many subjects covered therein, which range from the functions of the gabbai to the social implications of gossip.

#17 - When Bad Things Happen to Good People

I don't know what else to say about this one other than "Read this book. Whatever you do, read it."

This is because it is so hard to transmit the ideas better than Kushner does himself, or even adequately, in some sort of summary. The argument follows from beginning to end seamlessly.

#16 - Israel's Golda Meir: Pioneer to Prime Minister

This book by Iris Noble is a glowing portrait of Golda Meir. I don't recommend it - the only attribute that distinguishes it is its positivity. Thus, it is a portrait more than a biography. Every person has more than one side, but this book portrays the first female Prime Minister of Israel to be flat and flawless.

#15 - My Name is Asher Lev

My Name is Asher Lev is an excellent read. About a Chasid who paints a crucifixion, the book is both well-written and interesting. I have been a fan of Chayim Potok since I read The Chosen, but had never gotten around to reading this book until now. I was honestly sorry to have finished it.
Careful, the book is a bit grim.

It also spoke to me as someone who has come out - it made me feel extraordinarily lucky, which I suppose I am.

#14 - The Riddle of Scheherazade: And Other Amazing Puzzles

This book of logic puzzles has a narrative, and therefore counts. Only read this if you like logic puzzles though, and the narrative is only good for young readers. Raymond Smullyan is a logic genius.

#13 - Archy and Mehitabel

Archy and Mehitabel, by Don Marquis, is told by Archy, a cockroach who hijacks a typewriter at the New York Sun. Archy, obviously cannot work the shift, so no capitals or punctuation marks appears, though he sometimes types them out. Archy and Mehitabel is a collection of Archy's poetry, primarily about his friend, Mehitabel the Cat. Don Marquis introduced Archy in his column, "The Sun Dial", in 1916. Archy and Mehitabel is the first collection of Archy (or should I write archy s) columns. A fun read, may be difficult for very young readers.

#12 - From Zero to Infinity

I knew the mathnerd in me would come out sometime in this blog. Hi, I'm Kythe, and I'm a mathnerd. (How many closets have I stepped out of now?) Anyway, From Zero to Infinity, by Constance Reid is a fun read. If you know how to do arithmetic, then you will be able to follow along, and if you want to know why numbers are interesting in ways that don't apply to science or money, this is your book. Fun and easy-going. Warning: It might turn you into a math person.

#11 - The Hunchback of Notre Dame

The Hunchback of Notre Dame, one of Victor Hugo's classic novels, has a captivating story. However, the writing did not grab me the way I expected it to, despite the numerous good lines. Perhaps it was due to the translation I read (the Scholastic edition). Perhaps it was due to the time difference between the writing and now, but I have generally enjoyed books from that period by any author, the exception being Billy Budd, by Melville.

Anyway, a it's a good, long read, so if you have the time, you should spend it on this book.

#10 - All Quiet on the Western Front

All Quiet on the Western Front, by Erich Maria Remarque, is the story of a German soldier and his company in World War I. The writing can be quite plain at times, and the style of the book is not my favorite. However, this is a classic and a worthwhile read, with priceless lines interspersed therein.

#9 - The Phantom Tollbooth

The link is because I can. HA HA HA HA! (Of course, it is the Oregon variety, but still, I have mad skills.)

Anyway, The Phantom Tollbooth, by Norton Juster is a wonderful romp through a young boy's imagination. The story is vaguely reminiscent of Le Petit Prince, but at the same time, it is entirely different. It is a quick read, and would be so even for an avid child reader. The book is about a boy who learns that learning is fun and productive, which makes it sound boring. However, it is quite the opposite.

A quick, fun read, especially recommended for young readers or readers with children who are young.

#8 - Moral Choices

This collection of sermons by Rabbi Joseph Asher is quite excellent. What amazed me most is how timeless his sermons are. The writing is excellent, and there are such gems as "Plato is a better product than Attila the Hun." However, the book is very rare. As far as I know, only one is available on the internet. If you know me and you want to borrow it, you are most welcome.

#7 - Anne of Windy Poplars

Project Gutenberg in Australia deserves kudos this time.

We rejoin Anne Shirley in her adventures. This time, she is the principle of the Summerside school. She is passing three years waiting for Gilbert to finish medical school so they might be married. L. M. Montgomery used a different format in this book, using letters as much as narrative to tell a story. The book is well written as are the others, but for the first time I was bored by the series. The book should be great for young lovers of the adventures of Anne Shirley, but for older lovers of the series, this is the point to stop reading.