Nachamu Ami

Halloween

2011-10-31T00:00:00.000-05:00

So, I've told a few people that I'm not very into Halloween. I don't do much to celebrate the holiday and I try to let it pass by with as little involvement as possible. I don't live in an area where kids go trick-or-treating, and a lot of the traditions seem silly to this old-man-in-training.

But it wasn't always that way. When I was a kid, Halloween was the coolest. I trick-or-treated and two of my neighbors established an outdoor haunted house every year. And when I was old enough I worked at the haunted house. I got braces on Halloween and I could eat without difficulty until trick-or-treating time, and I was devastated. But that didn't shake my appreciation for Halloween.

When I was in high school, there was a workplace shooting near my town, at the office of one of my neighbors who ran the haunted house, and he was killed. After that, it was too hard for the neighborhood to host the haunted house. And Halloween became a sad day for me. And it's still sad. The joy I used to associate with community on Halloween was transformed to mourning. So, forgive me if I'm not full of holiday spirit.

Even When It's Not News

2011-10-22T16:53:00.000-05:00

Zachary Quinto made headlines last week when he came out casually during the course of an interview. I have long been wondering why celebrities have coming out press conferences still. Quinto, like most people his age, neither feels the need to talk about his sexuality when it is not relevant, nor feels the need to treat his identity as abnormal. But the media felt like Quinto had duped them into believing he was straight and he pulled a fast one on America. Quinto talked about his experience as a gay man. When will the media learn not to be more heteronormative than the rest of the country?

Sukkot

2011-10-21T09:31:00.001-05:00

Sukkot and Simchat Torah are now over, at least for me. The holidays are not widely observed, at least not in more than a token fashion, by Reform Jews in America. Somehow the time of Sukkot, the Season of Our Joy, makes me feel at home in ways I haven't yet been able to describe.

It's odd: Sukkot is a time where Jews set up a transitory space in which to live. And it is in this temporary shelter that I find not only the Jewish community but myself alive with purpose. I don't know whether it is the commandment to be happy or the sense of community that the holiday cultivates, but something makes me appreciate life in a new way during Sukkot, and it's not because of an increased appreciation of inside space.

National Coming Out Day

2011-10-19T09:15:00.002-05:00

This year, I hadn't even absorbed that the day was happening until it was almost over. I have so blocked National Coming Out Day from my life and my consciousness that it wasn't until I read the onslaught of Facebook status updates of my friends coming out again. These cursory reiterations of queerness and other identities are the confident statements of those who hare secure in their understandings of those aspects of themselves.

The most "celebration" I have ever done for National Coming Out Day has been attending the Matthew Shepard Memorial March put together by Chicago's Gay Liberation Network that used to be a much better organization called Chicago Anti-Bashing Network. There is enough pressure within the queer community to come out without dictating a magic day to be ready. And there is enough pressure outside and within the queer community to stay in the closet.

As one of my friends from NUJLS would say, coming out is a continual process. Once you start, you're never done. There is always someone new to come out to, and identity is complex and changes over time, so there's also always something new or some more nuanced way to come out.

I started thinking about coming out after my love died, and I don't think I told anyone until a year and a half later. And it wasn't until after my first year of college that I came out to my supportive parents. If National Coming Out Day had the prominence that it does now, I would have been pressured to come out before I was ready, and I think many people who have started the process of coming out are pressured into declaring their insecure identities to the world before they are ready.

So, if you're reading this and you're considering coming out, know that you are not alone. You can talk to me or someone else who will maintain your confidentiality while you think your identity through. Know that even in the closet, you have the support of an amazing network of people who care about you and you are already accepted by the LGBTQ community, or at least the people in it who will matter to you. We are here for you whatever you decide and whenever you decide.

Cher!

2011-10-13T09:13:00.001-05:00

So Chaz Bono is on Dancing with the Stars. It's not a show I watch. Much buzz has surround Cher and whether she is a good mother of her trans son. Activists and pundits think that Cher using incorrect pronouns or referring to Chaz as a lesbian indicate that she is a transphobic hater of her own child. This is an absurd analysis. Cher puts a public face on all the supportive parents of transfolk that stick up for their children despite being largely uniformed themselves. So when Cher messes up a pronoun, I try to have the same compassion with her I extend to my own parents when they mess up a pronoun because I know that they spend the rest of the day at least feeling awful that they screwed up. And I think: such a loving parent who is not afraid of saying something supportive because the pronoun might come out wrong due to years of habit. So Cher: thank you for continuing to be a strong ally for the queer community. And everyone else: lay off and note that Cher is a loving and supportive parent.

Republicans and "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"

2011-10-05T15:06:00.000-05:00

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is a failed Democratic policy. Enacted during the Clinton Administration, its purpose was to allow lesbians and gay men to serve in the military. At all. In addition to fears of homophobia from higher-ups in the military, it was thought in 1993 that divulging the sexual orientation of a queer service member would leave that service member vulnerable to torture. There is no evidence that the second is true. The most prominent group pushing for the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was a Republican group, the Log Cabin Republicans, who were arguing in the courts that the policy was unconstitutional. The Obama administration pushed for a legislative repeal to avoid embarrassment in the courts. And they got a legislative repeal.

And now the Republican candidates are all pushing each other out of the way to be the first, loudest, and best proclaimers that if elected president they would reinstate the policy. This has recently been magnified by the audience at a debate booing a gay soldier serving in Iraq asking a question while all the candidates stood idly by. Rick Santorum, to whom the question was addressed, did not even thank the soldier for his service until a political pressure steam roller forced him to two days later.

Either the candidates all lack a basic understanding of the separation of powers or they want to abuse executive powers and/or the bully pulpit to enact unconstitutional policies. Unconstitutional policies military won't last even under Republican authority. Just look at segregation. And if Republicans choose to be public faces of homophobia over public faces of supporting soldiers, they're going to lose the support of their base.

Home for the Holidays

2011-10-01T14:56:00.000-05:00

I'm living in Chicago which is a short train ride away from where my parents live. It's too close to try to stay in my adopted home for the holidays when my parents extend an invitation to their home. While my broader synagogue family in South Bend is warm and loving and it's good to see people, going home, especially for a major holiday has its disadvantages. It's not an appropriate time to come out to people, in large part, though a member of the synagogue once came out publicly on Yom Kippur afternoon. I have an established rule that if I don't ask people to change which name or pronouns they use for me, then I don't take offense if they use the "wrong" ones. Of course, it's still stressful and somewhat foreign by now to spend a lot of time being addressed by a name I haven't used in years over and over.

University of Chicago Move-In Day, or I'm Nerdier than these Noobs

2011-09-23T16:00:00.001-05:00

So, today, upper-classmen move back into University of Chicago housing, which means two things for me. First, the neighborhood is about to get a lot more crowded. Second, I get to do the traditional alumnus activity of claiming that the University of Chicago is on the slipperly slope to the mainstream, and this year's students are less nerdy than my cohort. At this rate, we'll be just another Harvard in 5 years.

So, this year, the University of Chicago tied for 5th place in the US News and World Report ranking of best colleges. Through artificially increased selectivity through the adoption of the common application, we boosted our rankings. We have also increased the percent of alumni donors, a much needed step towards building a University community. But, through our efforts, despite my want to call the younger nerds not nerdy because they spend even more time on Facebook than I do, they aren't really less nerdy, just nerdy in different ways. Nerdom, like most cultures, is continually evolving.

The University spends a lot of effort trying to increase its ranking, but the whole ranking system is skewed. CalTech and MIT also got 5th this year, but for very few people would find that CalTech, MIT, or the UofC would give them the 5th best educational experience of any University in the US. Harvard, which almost always ranks number 1 on these things, was my least favorite of all the schools I visited. Instead of students competing to go to "the best" college and colleges competing for "the best" students, the process should be tailored to the particular advantages and interests of schools and students. Why can't the University of Chicago reject the stupid game play and acknowledge openly that it creates the best atmosphere for a particular kind of nerd? Why can't it just cater to that type of nerd?

In the 1980s, my mother gave a talk at the University of Chicago. Her talk in mathematics was supposed to be in Eckhart, but one of the frats was blasting music and they had to move the talk to Ryerson. What music? The theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey. If that doesn't seem humorous or homey to you, the University of Chicago is a wrong college choice, no matter how highly ranked. On the other hand, if the fact that the only time campus gets crazy is for a very nerdy scavenger hunt appeals, Chicago is a better place to go than anywhere else. If you are choosing a college, keep in mind that rankings represent the choice for some sort of "typical" student, and that they tend to discriminate against public schools. The best public school in the country, which is on par with any Ivy League is the University of California - Berkeley. Its ranking? 21. Make a ranking of your top choices based on your own criteria, because you are anything but typical.

Three cases, three responses

2011-09-22T19:45:00.001-05:00

I want to talk about cases of three different prisoners. Sorry, in the time since I first conceived of this post, the opening has to be amended. I want to talk about two prisoners and one man who was executed. The three people are Jonathan Pollard, Alan Gross, and Troy Davis, may he rest in peace.

First, I'll review of the cases. Troy Davis was executed at 11:08 local time in Georgia last night. Troy Davis was accused and convicted of killing Mark MacPhail, a police officer from Savannah, on the basis of eyewitness testimony from 9 people. No physical evidence was produced at the time of his trial or since. No DNA evidence has been produced to support his conviction. Since his trial in 1991, seven of the nine witnesses have recanted their testimony, several citing police pressure to testify originally. Davis's lawyers pursued his case to higher courts asking for stays and a chance to prove his innocence. Many pushed for him to be granted clemency due to the doubt surrounding his guilt. But, the judicial branch of the government sentenced him to death and the US government murdered him.

Alan Gross has been convicted of subversion in Cuba for smuggling phone equipment to Jewish groups in the country. Cuba has sentenced him to fifteen years in prison. The United States has requested release and sent dignitaries to negotiate it. Gross has lost approximately 100 lbs in prison in Cuba in the last year and a half. There is currently a push to release him from prison on humanitarian grounds. Only the severity of the punishment is at issue in this case, not Gross's guilt according to Cuban law.

Jonathan Pollard was convicted of espionage for an allied country without intent to harm the United States. He passed intelligence information to Israel while serving as a US intelligence officer. He pled guilty to the crime and is serving (contrary to his plea agreement) a life sentence without parole for his crime. It is the longest sentence anyone has served for espionage for a US ally. His health been failing, and none of his requests for parole have been granted despite his long sentence, his good behavior as an inmate, and assurances that he can never pass such secrets again.

I do not think any of these sentences are deserved for the crimes in question, but I must say it is rather hypocritical for the US to call other justice systems oppressive and unjust given its current state.

Kevin McCarthy: Community Organizer?

2011-09-19T17:36:00.002-05:00

So a while ago, I was listening to Fresh Air at work. This was at my previous job (my current one doesn't allow the radio). The program featured the author of a book about the current House of Representatives, with a particular focus on the 87 Republican freshmen. The author was particularly focused on analyzing the relationship of the House GOP establishment and the new Republican contingent. He thought that Kevin McCarthy, the majority whip, was the key player in the conversations between the GOP political insiders and their Tea Party colleagues. As I listened to how Kevin McCarthy made the House freshmen feel heard even though their demands are rarely met, it seemed as though he was employing the same techniques as many community organizers. Organizing: it's not just for Democrats any more.

Jew Cool, Politics, and Eric Cantor

2011-09-18T08:31:00.002-05:00

I don't know when it started to be cool to be Jewish. But somehow, the stereotype of the Jewish comedian has morphed from the nebbish Woody Allen to the cool Jon Stewart and Sarah Silverman. Jews have gone mainstream. This is progress. No longer sidelined as much, maligned by the mainstream, or ridiculed, Jews have the opportunity in modern America to be cool. (Just ask Drake if you don't believe me.)

Growing up as this transition was happening, I was taught to appreciate the successes of fellow members of the tribe. Most notably, this appreciation is codified in Adam Sandler's Chanukah Song, but it extends to other industries as well. When a Jew gets a promotion or gets elected, I am supposed to be proud, simply because I am also a Jew.

However, this acceptance of Jews into the mainstream allows Jews to feel a part of that mainstream. Which means? Jewish Republicans. And I am supposed to be proud that a Jew is House Majority Leader. I am supposed to say "look at our progress" when a Jew is on the frontline of the fight to deny Americans basic rights? I'm sorry, but I can't feel proud of that. It's a shonde.

Amy Winehouse

2011-09-15T17:59:00.002-05:00

Sorry this post is so late. I don't often post about random popular culture, but here goes. In the hours following the death of musician Amy Winehouse, the media frenzy went forward on two fronts. The first question they examined was whether the singer had overdosed, and the second question they examined was whether the singer's family's desire to have a Jewish funeral for their daughter was appropriate.

Amy Winehouse is the Jewish girl that gave Jewish girls the ability to not be so nice. She was always open about her background and never apologetic that her life was not beholden to halachah. Adherence to Jewish law is not the only factor that makes a Jew, and Winehouse's parents and family should have been free to bury her in a fashion they saw fit (assuming she had no documentation indicating otherwise) without question. In Judaism, caring for the dead is considered the highest mitzvah because the deceased cannot bury themselves. And whether the person in question followed the commandments is not at issue. The burial does not become more or less kosher based on the actions of the deceased.

Not all Jews are observant, and not all who are not Orthodox lack all observance. So someone who was not a nice Jewish girl can be buried as soon as possible according to Jewish custom without a contradiction.

September 11th

2011-09-11T09:05:00.002-05:00

September 11th is my generation's national unifier. My parents' generation remembers where they were when Kennedy was shot, my grandparents' America was defined by World War II, and their parents' by the Great Depression and World War I. My generation won't look back at the Great Recession, or even the wars in Iraq or Afghanistan, as the formative experience in the formation of our America. We will forever be changed by the world stopping on one day ten years ago. When we're old, we'll tell the stories of where we were on that day, what we were doing when we heard the news or saw the Twin Towers collapse. And we'll talk about how that day changed the course of America forever. We may then mention, if we remember, what we were doing in May 2011 when Osama bin Laden was killed, and most of us will have forgotten that the Navy Seal team that killed him suffered casualties in Afghanistan shortly after.

But somehow, the emphasis that we place on 9/11 seems out of place. Perhaps it's the appropriation of the phrase "Never forget" as the mantra of "hunting down" the terrorists so they don't attack us again on "our soil." Growing up Jewish while there was an extreme push to get Holocaust survivors to tell their stories before they pass away, "never forget" is associated in my mind with the systematic massacre of 13 million people by the Nazis. And while the loss of life on 9/11 was a great tragedy, it doesn't register to me on the same level as the extermination campaigns of Adolf Hitler.

We are living in a time that we don't understand. The only constant is uncertainty, and we try to make meaning out of things by making analogies to previous things. We compare bin Laden to Hitler, we compare the Great Recession to the Great Depression, and we compare the technological boom with the industrial revolution. But the truth is we are living in the shadow of things past. And for me, the New Yorker cover Art Spiegelman made as a commemoration is still the most moving memorial of the events. So it is fitting that it later became the cover of his book In the Shadow of No Towers.

Unreasonable Expectations

2011-09-04T10:50:00.002-05:00

New York legalized same sex marriage, and religious leaders across the state had a range of reactions to the news. One of the most intriguing reactions was the reaction of the Episcopal Bishop of Long Island, who demanded that priests in his diocese in same-sex relationships needed to marry their partners now that it was legal. Otherwise they would be living in sin. There is a 9-month grace period. after which partners must either marry or the layperson in the couple must move out of church property. This is perhaps the most intriguing implication of the policy for devout practitioners.

First, not all people involved in long-term relationships want to be married. Some couples I know do want to be married but refuse to marry until the federal goverment would recognize marriage of all pairs of consenting adults. Second, I understand that the Episcopal church privileges marriage as an expression of sanctified love and a recognized family unit within the church. However, I feel that for some people who have not yet had the opportunity to consider and evaluate either the legal or spiritual implications of their marriages, to rush them into marriage, even if they are already in a long-term committed relationship. Forcing marriage in a 9-month period seems coercive to my mind, even if the overall goal is in line with Episcopal theology. Pressuring people to marry seems antithetical to any moral philosophy, and I would hope that either the grace period is extended or the church will provide adequate counseling services for both partners in these relationships.

Glenn Beck and Jews

2011-08-20T11:24:00.005-05:00

In July, Glenn Beck gave a speech in which he asserted that if Israel is threatened or Jews are being killed, the perpetrators of violence should count him a Jew and come for him first. The statement was somewhat of a political success for Beck, who has been criticized by many for his comments comparing Reform rabbis to Islamist extremists.

I have news for Glenn Beck. If you want to show solidarity with Jews, you cannot pick and choose which Jews you support. Judaism is not a religion of convenience, and the Jewish people are not a nation of convenience. So, let me introduce myself:

I am a liberal, transmasculine Jew, who is attracted to people of a variety of genders. I identify as queer. I was raised in the Reform Movement and still find my Jewish home in a Reform synagogue. I am young, Zionist, and a harsh critic of Israeli policy. I am for peace and Palestinian statehood, not necessarily in that order. I am not traditionally observant, but I am deeply religious. I believe in equal marriage, a woman's right make choices regarding her body, and big government. I believe that Israel needs to obey international law, and I personally hold Israel to a different standard with regard to its politics, policies, and international relations, but mine is a higher standard, not exemptions. I have no plans to move to Israel and no plans to start observing Shabbat in a tradtional way or plans to keep kosher. I have no plans to serve as anyone's token Jew. In my Judaism, recognizing the godliness in every human being is my paramount value. I believe in the separation of church and state in the United States, and I believe I should be able to walk down the street and not be harassed based on my gender expression, sexuality, or religion.

So, Glenn Beck, I ask you, if they come for me first, will you stand up for me? Will you say, count me in community with Kythe because he's a Jew? Or will you say "Kythe is not really a Jew, because good Jews aren't like Kythe?" The difference between you and me, Glenn Beck, is that you can choose in which contexts you affiliate with Jews. I can't.

I am a Jew always, not only when upstanding communiy members are under attack, but also when Jews murder young boys. I am not only a Jew in my synagogue or in interfaith dialogues, but I am a Jew when I am amidst groups of transgender folk, lesbians, gay men, bisexual people, genderqueer persons, and other people who have been systematically dehumanized by religious people and instituitons, including Jewish ones. Judaism is not a hat I take on and put off as it suits me.

I am glad that you were moved about persecution by your experience visiting Auschwitz-Birkenau. But I ask you, will you stick up for all those oppressed, or just those you approve of already?

Also, how will you stick up for others if they come for you first? You are a straight white man of considerable wealth. Using that advantage to end persecution is much better than using it to fall on a sword.

Say publicly that you'll stand up for people like me and I might take your commitment to be counted among Jews seriously. Until then, it's all enunciated hot air.

What else?

2011-08-06T19:35:00.004-05:00

Writing about my love is hard. I promised to love her and I don't know how to move beyond that. I had to write to her brother that he wasn't responsible this year. He's getting to the age of maturity in his Catholic guilt.

An Open Letter to ARZA chair Rabbi Daniel Allen

2011-08-06T18:12:00.003-05:00

Dear Rabbi Allen:

I am a Zionist and a Reform Jew. I received your letter about the ARZA petition against a United Nations (UN) process for a Palestinian state through my synagogue, and I was extremely offended. My Judaism demands that I speak out against injustice, and I will not refrain simply because ARZA is a Reform Jewish organization.

The petition which you requested Reform Jews sign is hypocritical, unjust, and contrary to Jewish values. In addition, the petition relies on false premises surrounding the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. I also believe focusing on preventing a UN vote is focusing on the wrong part of conflict mediation.

The letter you sent as well as the petition set up direct negotiation and UN action as mutually exclusive. However, there is no reason why the processes cannot be utilized in conjunction with each other. A UN vote only precludes negotiation if we let it, but Jewish groups taking that

Bringing statehood issues for a vote at the UN is not only one of few ways new states have to assert their legitimacy internationally, it is also the very path that Israel took to statehood. Rather than criticizing governmental entities using well-established legal means to achieve statehood, we should applaud foreign entities who seek out legal avenues to pursue change. Since the petition reaffirms support for a two-state solution, the only other principled objections can be to the timing of the request or to the borders proposed.

Asking millions of people to wait to gain citizenship rights until people who have not managed to reach solutions by war or negotiation for over 50 years is unreasonable. We do not ask people denied rights in the United States to wait for those rights. Amazing rabbis like Joachim Prinz and Arnold Jacob Wolf were extremely involved in the civil rights movement. The notion that this concern for human rights ends because the government denying them rights is Israel's is ridiculous; if anything, this should prompt us to work harder to advocate for their rights.

In 1947, the partition plan was created on the principle of dividing the land based on population. Jewish areas would become the Jewish sate and Arab areas their own state. That state was never declared. The problem with returning to the borders drawn up in 1947 is that they are no longer demographically tenable. So, if this is the ground of the current objections, it is an understandable objection. However, then the appropriate action is to propose a plan with more reasonable borders, and to encourage ongoing negotiations to finalize borders and other issues.

I am a religious Zionist and a political Zionist. My religious Zionism has nothing to do with my political Zionism, and I find your use of the pulpit to promote denying rights to millions of people unconscionable. You are promoting political stability over human rights. It wouldn't go over well as a d'var torah, and I didn't appreciate it in my inbox.

If you want to help Israel and the Palestinian Authority achieve an end of conflict agreement as well as a two-state solution, act reasonably to promote that goal. Promote negotiations in all circumstances. But don't use my religious affiliation to ask me to abandon my religious principles.

Sincerely,

A Reform Zionist in America

Grandpa

2011-08-04T21:19:00.003-05:00

My grandfather was one of the best human beings I've known. He was kind and generous and never insulted anyone. I think some of my more masculine behaviors were learned from him, which may be why I come of as old-fashioned sometimes. And I wish I could raise a gin and tonic to him tonight and talk to him about girls (women - he would correct me), because he always had the best stories, if not the best advice.

Just a plug

2011-07-29T12:12:00.004-05:00

Plugging my friend JK's excellent blog Cat Flight of Fancy in honor of unexpectedly running into him at lunch yesterday.

Summer's always hard

2011-07-21T18:59:00.001-05:00

Summer is always hard, and I'm not talking about the extreme heat index numbers. For me, summer is the time when I lost those most important to me. Summer is the time when I read about the camp I used to attend and mourn that it is so heteronormative as to verge on homophobic, and is certainly institutionally transphobic. Summer has also become a time where I feel rather lonely.

Last week, the anniversary of my love's death hit pretty much as hard as it ever does. And all I wanted was to be back at OSRUI, taking refuge in the Tzofim Beit Teva or Tiferet's Ski Chalet. (Those who call it the Beit Am are being brainwashed by an attitude of Hebrew language supremacy at camp that I find detrimental, but that is perhaps for another post). I remembered one night in 1996. It was the first year of Tiferet workshop and the Ski Chalet did not yet exist. Tiferet used Metros and showered at Chalutzim. On this particular night, we had programming in the Art Center, not yet widely called by its Hebrew equivalent. The skies turned black all of a sudden and it started pouring. The lightning was very close, and we could not return to our cabins. We were preteens (that was the word before tweens for all you youngin's) not all scared but not too comfortable either. However, the songleader Josh Rabinowitz and the unit head Danny Maseng had their guitars and played us music until we fell asleep on the dance studio floor. And I found myself listening to my recording of Danny playing B'shem Hashem on loop not because his music is so amazing as to eliminate the pain of loss, but rather because at least I wouldn't be scared. His voice and that Carlebach tune combine in a way that still puts me at ease fifteen years later. And I missed camp, even its heteronormative aspects.

The most ironic element of missing camp wasn't its heteronormativity. It was that when I received the letter from my love's parents telling me of her death, the last place I wanted to be was OSRUI, where I had no access to modern conviences like the internet and the telephone. When I was in Chalutzim I spent half my camp summer cursing that I went to camp in the first place. Now when I have to deal with what happened, camp is the first place I think about, and I remembered writing my love a lengthy letter from Tiferet in 1996 describing what an amazing storm had rumbled through camp and how Danny and Josh had distracted us with wonderful music ranging from the chasidishe to James Taylor.

My Machon year at camp, I had a terrible time. I couldn't be out to staff or to campers, and I found myself much more aware of the institutional aspects of camp's homophobia and transphobia. I am told by those who have been there more recently that the situation is getting better, but I don't really believe them. The evidence is in the programming offered to campers, but that doesn't really help if counselors are still discouraged from coming out or discussing their own personal experiences of queerness as an identity. Obviously discussing personal sexual experiences with campers is bad, regardless of the genders of those involved. I resolved then not to go back until camp started moving rapidly in better directions of inclusiveness. My year on staff was my worst year at camp ever, mostly because the place I called home more than home for 10 years became a place that deliberately marginalized people like me.

But somehow, despite all this current animosity, OSRUI is still home for me. It's still the place where I first thought about becoming a rabbi. It's still the place where Judaism started making sense as a practice in addition to whatever religion was. It's the place I learned the power of music and art, not just from Ohad and Danny, but from the devastation my counselors experienced when Jerry Garcia died. (You may think I'm joking, but I'm not.) OSRUI is the place I learned about supporting my friends, and it's the place I learned how to give back massages. OSRUI is the place I learned that it's ok for a Jew to be an atheist, and it's also the place I learned to relate to God. OSRUI is the place I learned conflict resolution, but also the place I learned about solidarity. 70 Chalutzimniks chanting around the Migdal because there was no Israeli dancing our first Shabbat that summer may have been my first act of civil disobedience. OSRUI is the place I felt most alienated growing up with one Jewish parent (although there were lots of campers like me in that regard), but it is also the place where I first divulged my queerness to another person, a counselor whom I knew to be gay even though he never came out to me. My friends and even some former counselors and faculty from OSRUI populate half the contacts in my cell-phone, and I know that the bonds I have with old camp friends will last for longer than I can manage to keep in contact with those friends, although facebook has been a great help. But it pains me that I call a place that marginalizes me by omission home.

Of course, it's easier to talk about camp than loss. But what can I say about losing my love that I haven't said about a million times before?

Indepence Day

2011-07-04T12:22:00.005-05:00

I narrowly avoided an argument with my roommate yesterday. The ginkgo girl moved out in the middle of June and one of my other friends moved in with me. There are very few arguments I do not wish to have. There are very few arguments I do not wish to have, but there are three or four that I cannot have and be civil at the same time. One of those is about the founding moments of the United States of America. When my roommate suggested that celebrating Independence Day was irrelevant to modern American life, it took all my strength not to go ballistic. I wanted to throw it back in her face and say that her being able to say that without fear of repercussions is reason enough to appreciate our freedom and form of government. I wanted to say some choice words too, but I simply suggested that I didn't want to have the argument and moved on.

We take our freedom and the struggle for our independence for granted now, perhaps because we feel historically removed from the situation. None of us were there for the continental congress when the Declaration of Independence was signed. We are so far removed from these struggles that when a survey was conducted in the 1960s asking people to identify the source of the first line of the Declaration of Independence, most thought it was from the charter for the radical organization Students for a Democratic Society. The line reads: "When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a descent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation." Usually, this confusion is used to point to the failures of American e ducation, which it certainly points to. However, the sentiments of revolution so eloquently captured in Thomas Jefferson's words are relevant not only to the American revolution, but to many subsequent ones.

I don't think the USA is the best country in the world, or that we always live up to the ideals that we have as a nation. But I do know that we are always expanding those ideals: voting is no longer restricted to rich white men, and we abolished slavery. And after the civil war which split our nation in two, President Lincoln assured "malice toward none" who had been in the confederacy. We are in struggles to expand equality further in this country. So, today, I will try not to take the freedom I enjoy for granted, and renew my commitment to helping expand the rights of those who live around me.

Parashat B'Chukotai: Doing Honest Business With God

2011-05-21T20:31:00.004-05:00

Parashat B'Chukotai is the last Torah Portion in Leviticus. It starts with a discussion of reward and punishment based on whether the Israelites follow the laws about the Sabbatical and Jubilee years. Then it moves toward laws that seem even more egregious than consequences of bad behavior and our failure to be adequate stewards of the earth. The Torah discusses the various worths of different sorts of persons in the context of vowing the value of a person. As modern readers, we get bogged down in the difference between personal worth and economic worth, and the gender discrepancies involved. It is bothersome, understandably, that young able-bodied males are worth 50 shekels whereas females are only worth 30 shekels. However, often our conversation gets bogged down in the gender discrepancies, and once we have resolved them theologically or historically.

If for some reason, we get past the gender issues in our analysis, and in a 5 to 15 minute d'var torah they make an easy target, we then throw the entire situation out because this ritual was associated with the Temple cult. It's easier to call a whole practice outdated than to wrestle with what is good or bad inside the practice.

Once we get past these issues, a clear moral question comes to mind. Can we really put a price on any human life? In this sense the passage is inspiring of - what's the word? - righteous anger. How dare my precious scripture put a price on any human being? What does it mean to say human beings made in God's image are worth some sort of finite monetary value? This train of thought is important to consider. Is Torah contradicting itself here? And if so, which value supersedes the other? I say the value of humanity created b'tzelem elohim trumps all.

But this moral question is still a too-easy answer for what Torah is discussing here. Individuals are making vows worth a person to God, but doing business with a non-corporeal entity always requires a human broker. In this case, the priests act as brokers between God and humanity. Emotions run high if you have vowed the value of a spouse at war for her safe return. Torah recognizes that the practice of the business of vowing the value of a person is tempting but dangerous. People who have been gifted the safety of a loved one are in a vulnerable place. Priests may have been tempted to extort monetary amounts much greater than those outlined in parashat b'chukotai for these sorts of vows. The monetary amounts outlined ensure that no greater price may be demanded in such a situation, protecting society's most vulnerable from predatory practices. While the specifics may need to be left to their historical context, I believe this practice is a form of God using honest weights and measures in business. As remarkable as it seems, God is committing to following God's own holiness code.

Naivete

2011-05-08T09:37:00.004-05:00

The first time I said "I love you" I was fourteen and I was late in saying it. My love had been saying it creatively for a few months, and I knew I loved her, but I was a little dense and didn't realize that she was saying "I love you." When I did finally realize it, I felt even more loved by her than I had before, mostly because of her enduring patience.

My fourteen-year-old self had no idea how my life would turn out, and assumed that we would last for ever. Death cannot stop true love. I was naive then, but I am disillusioned now. Honestly, I'm not sure which is better.

The Ethics and Practice of Radical Hospitality

2011-04-06T21:44:00.004-05:00

On Passover we say let all who are hungry come an eat, but in general, we don't open our doors until after dinner. In Genesis, Abraham runs out to meet his guests. How did Jews get from running to greet guests to symbolically opening a door and closing it without really inviting anyone in?

I've been thinking a lot lately about hospitality. What does it mean to welcome the stranger? What are boundaries to welcoming in modern society? How do we create open and welcoming spaces? And how do we invite people to them?

Emphasis has been placed lately on offical documentation of welcoming policies. If a congregation has on it's website that it is welcoming to queer folk or interreligious couples, that translates into the congregration being welcoming to queer folk or interreligious couples, right? I wish, but it's not always the case. Welcoming statements need to be backed up by welcoming actions. I feel welcomed by the people at my synagogue most of the time, but there are no gender-neutral bathrooms there, which makes using the bathroom at the synagogue a harrowing experience.

I wonder at how welcome Jewish spaces are for non-Jews and for Jews. My parent's synagogue keeps its doors locked even during services because of a combination of fear of violence and the prevalence of unsavory characters in the small but urban downtown area in which their synagogue is located. I find it extremely distracting when the doorbell rings in the middle of Shabbat services.

I don't know how we walk the line between practicing radical hospitality and ensuring safety, but I know we don't do it well most of the time. Our ethics are there, but where is the practice?

Weighing in on St. Patrick's Day

2011-03-17T20:47:00.002-05:00

So there's been some buzz on the Jewish blogosphere about St. Patrick's Day and other holidays of Christian origin pervasive in American culture. The other holidays that have been mentioned most are Valentine's Day and Halloween. The sense of the comments is that Jews should not celebrate these holidays because even if they are part of secular culture, they have Christian origin, so wearing green on St. Patrick's Day, for example, or drinking on St. Patrick's Day (when it's not ta'anit ester) is worship of saints and therefore idols.

But, for example, Christmas is a US federal holiday. Does that mean Jews who get Christmas off should break into work anyway because Christmas is of Christian origin? Many people get Sundays off for a similar reason.

However, consistency is not the only aspect these arguments lack. I'm not saying people should celebrate St. Patrick's Day if they feel uncomfortable doing so. But insinuating or calling for a collective ban on celebration of such days assumes a cultural similarity of all Jews. There are Irish Jews, and though St. Patrick's Day is for some a holy day of obligation, that does not negate the influence that Patrick had on Irish history. If Christians are not paying proper respect to their holy days, that is their own issue to resolve. It doesn't mean that I can no longer walk across the St. Joseph River or support the work of St. Jude's Children's Hospital. It also doesn't mean that I cannot find inspiration in the lives of those that Christians (or others) call saints.

In Defense of A Radical Political Reform Judaism

2011-02-23T13:50:00.006-06:00

My Twitter feed is abuzz with outrage over Glenn Beck's recent comments that Reform Judaism is analagous to radical Islam. Many Jews, not just Reform Jews, and others have rushed to Reform Judaism's defense. People start their rebuttal of Glenn Beck by dismissing him entirely, which I think is fair, but then they try to engage his argument, but do so poorly.

Reform Judaism could never be like radical Islam, and therefore Glenn Beck is wrong, they argue. Glenn Beck is wrong, but for very different reasons than most people are talking about. The overt or covert Islamophobia in many of these arguments makes me sick to my stomach, even that of the ADL. Saying that Reform Judaism is not like militant Islam because Reform Jews are by-in-large non-violent when it comes to the practice of religion is true; saying Reform Judaism is not radical and has no political agenda is false.

Here are Glenn Beck's comments:

OK, you have to—hang on just a second. When you talk about rabbis, understand that most—most people who are not Jewish don’t understand that there are the Orthodox rabbis, and then there are the reformed rabbis. Reformed rabbis are generally political in nature. It’s almost like Islam, radicalized Islam in a way, to where it is just—radicalized Islam is less about religion than it is about politics. When you look at the reform Judaism, it is more about politics.

Let's try to address this in a systematic way and not just call Glenn Beck off-base because he generally is. First Glenn Beck is obviously coming from a place of ignorance. Neither the Jewish world nor even the American Jewish community can be divided into any sort of binary classification. It is not "Orthodox vs. everyone else." In addition, the largest group of affiliated Jews in the United States are Reform Jews. Not reformed, most of us have not abandoned evil ways in favor of shaping up to be reintegrated into the community at large. Not reformed as if all the change that needs to happen in Judaism has happened already. Reform Judaism acknowledges the continuing need for evolving tradition. So do I think that Glenn Beck in his comments is coming from a place of deep ignorance and profound disrespect. But this is not unusual for Glenn Beck, and I don't think that Jews or Reform Jews should choose this moment to notice that Glenn Beck is ignorant and disrespectful simply because he was talking about us.

Glenn Beck says Reform rabbis are generally political in nature. I disagree fundamentally with this statement. Many Reform rabbis want to stay as far away from politics as they can. However, some of the most visible Reform rabbis in this country, and particularly in Washington, are actively engaged in politics. Rabbi David Saperstein foremost among them, there are many Reform rabbis who are active politically, and the Religious Action Center is a political lobby organized by the Reform movement. And rightly so. Torah tells us not to put a stumbling block in front of the blind and not to oppress the stranger. Torah tells us to recognize the godly in every individual, to welcome guests and care for the orphan, to pursue justice, and to love our neighbors as ourselves. Working for these goals within the existing political structure of America is not only a profound expression of Jewish religious sentiment, but also profoundly patriotic. Tikkun Olam applies even to secular governments - we can and we must make our country better.

This brings us to the actual place where Glenn Beck's argument breaks down. It doesn't break down because Reform Judaism is not political - if Reform Jews are not political, we're doing it wrong. It breaks down because Glenn Beck is insinuating that politics and religion can be neatly separated. You have politics on the one hand and religion on the other and the two never have reason to interact. But, you might be saying, you are a staunch advocate of the separation of Church and State. I am, I do not approve of organized religious bodies creating laws - that is for the legislature. However, that does not mean that I as a voter have to leave my beliefs at the door of my polling place or my congressman's office. My political beliefs are rooted in my religious morality - and I daresay Glenn Beck's are based in his. Political activisim is a part of my religion, and if that makes me a radical - good.

Jews worshop a divinity that cannot not be seen or represented with imagery. Am Yisrael knows not to oppress the stranger for we know the soul of the strangers, having been strangers in the land of Egypt. We strive to practice the hospitality of Abraham, to work for the justice of Isaiah, and live the law of Moses. And we strive to be like the disciples of Aaron - loving peace and pursuing it. I believe that the Israelitic religion was radical, and that the rabbis radically transformed that religion into Judaism, a religion founded on loving our neighbors as ourselves.

Judaism is by nature radical, and one of the most famous radical Jews in US history was Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel, an Orthodox Rabbi. You can find a picture of him marching with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. on Wikipedia, among other locations. Joachim Prinz, a Reform rabbi, spoke before Dr. King at the March on Washington. In his speech, he explained "Neighbor is not a geographic term. It is a moral concept." It is this moral, this religious concept that motivates much of Reform Jewish politics. Rabbi Isaac Mayer Wise, the founder of American Reform Judaism, took the Torah to women and counted them in his minyan, a quorum of 10 necessary for Jewish prayer over 70 years before women gained the right to vote in this country. A Jew who is not engaged in the betterment of society, including secular society, is shirking hir duty to make this world a better place. As quoted in Pirkei Avot, Rabbi Tarfon said: It is not up to you to finish the work, but neither are you free to desist from it.

Politically engaged Reform rabbis might not talk about their motivations being God's command. But they should not need to. Ideals of freedom, of justice, of equality and inclusion might be godly, but they do not need God as justification. Talking about these ideas in a broader context does not mean the work involved in bringing them about is areligious or unfaithful.

Furthermore, Glenn Beck has no qualifications to say whether any person other than himself has faith or is motivated to act by that faith. Many Reform rabbis are motivated to be politically active by their faith.

Another problem with Glenn Beck's argument is that he equates religion with faith. Faith is an aspect of many religions, but it is neither a sine qua non of religion nor the most important aspect of many religions. Even if Reform rabbis are not motivated by faith, that doesn't make their religious motivations any less valid. Religion is not only about faith, and it is poor for someone to equate the two.

Futhermore, Glenn Beck is a religious political pundit. Glenn Beck is open about his Mormonism, and I think he would be hard-pressed to say his religion doesn't play into his political views.

The bigger picture is this: Reform Jews, including rabbis, should not be ashamed of being political. We should be more political, and we should be proud of our political history while recognizing that it is still not enough. We should revel in moments like the one pictured in the link above, where Rabbi Maurice Eisendrath presented President Kennedy with a Torah once owned by Isaac Mayer Wise in honor of the opening of the Religious Action Center. However, we should recognize that Rabbi Saperstein has still not worked himself out of a job.

Can Reform Jews stop being radical and political? Only when the Messianic Age begins.

Speaking Out

2011-02-05T08:10:00.004-06:00

One of the best pieces of speaking up I have ever read was recently on the blog Nerdy Apple Bottom, which you can find linked to on this post. The blogger ends her post with the following:

And again I say to you that bullying is not okay, even if you wrap it in a bow and call it ‘spiritual care.’

I'd like to add one thing: bullying is especially not okay if you wrap it in a bow and call it spiritual care.

Blizzard

2011-02-02T09:46:00.004-06:00

Now perhaps my friends will understand that blizzards are dangerous. Cars and possibly still some people are stranded on Lake Shore Dr. But I look at the white out windy conditions and I want to run outside with my love and make snow forts and snow angels. Of course, that too would be dangerous, but it's also impossible.

The Type

2011-01-29T23:28:00.002-06:00

I found myself on Friday night frustrated with a young friend of mine for having views of the future. I think I was just bitter that I can no longer be that type of person.

Men's Group

2011-01-22T13:02:00.003-06:00

So this week I went to a men's group for the first time in my life. Growing up, I was always skeptical of any gender-specific spaces, and in many ways, still am. The discussion facilitator for this group, which focuses on what it means to be a young religious man, or something like that, is a woman, so I feel less awkward about the group being somehow "men's only space". However, I think the opportunity to discuss men's issues is not taken enough, either in public or private spaces, so I was curious. I found that the discussion we had was meaningful, and it was not the sort of discussion I have in other contexts. Admittedly, my experience of masculinity and manhood is quite different from that of the cisgendered men in the group, their experiences are actually quite different from each others, as well. The group gives us a place to talk about men's issues, and I think that it could be done with more people who are not men there as well, but the conversation would be very different. There is a certain comfort and ease in sitting with a group of men that enables us to say things that in other contexts, or even in that context, may be inappropriate, but give each other leeway to speak our minds, a leeway which is often not granted in other contexts.

On new family

2011-01-22T12:37:00.002-06:00

I went to Grand Cayman last week for my brother's wedding. His wife's family is great, and to be honest, in many ways I get along better with her than with him. It was wonderful to get a week of shorts weather in January, and to see some family that I hadn't seen in ages. I also got to meet my two youngest cousins. I am starting to get over my nervousness around babies - I much prefer people who can talk.

I had the awkwardness of coming out to my uncle before signing the ketuba as my sister-in-law's witness.

Necktie

2010-11-17T22:16:00.002-06:00

The first time she tied a tie around my neck we were twelve. Well, maybe I was still eleven but she was twelve. She popped the collar on her dress shirt I was wearing, which was much too large for me, as she was already quite tall. She held the tie in both hands and swung it over my head as if it were a lasso, pulling me closer to her in the process. She tied a Windsor knot with a dimple, and slid it up to the collar. She pulled the collar down over the tie, which was red. Then she declared the knot perfect.

There are so many little vignettes like this one swirling around in my head right now. I am grateful that I still remember so many of these little scenes. However, sometimes I wish they would haunt me less.

It Gets Better!

2010-10-02T07:59:00.005-05:00

There's an Israeli pop song called Yih'yeh Tov - it will get better. This song, a fervent hope for peace, has also served as one of my reminders that life will get better. I believe that society and my life are moving in a positive direction, although not always monotonically. (Sorry for my math-nerdiness.)

However, in the past week, I have been reminded of a slightly different message. In response to the continued (and perceived worsening) occurrences of queer and questioning teen suicide attempts and completions, Dan Savage launched the "It gets better project." This project is a youtube channel where anyone, celebrities like Ellen DeGeneres, people prominent in the queer community like Dan Savage, and anyone else with access to a webcam (most libraries have them if you don't) can record a message of how it got better for that person. IT DOES GET BETTER! If you don't believe me, watch some of the multitude of videos already posted to the site http://www.youtube.com/user/itgetsbetterproject. I especially recommend Kate Bornstein's video. Kate is the author of Hello, Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide For Teens, Freaks, and Other Outlaw.

Let me be clear: THE MESSAGE "IT GETS BETTER" IS NOT ENOUGH! It is true, but it is not enough. We cannot expect queer youth (or anyone, for that matter) to sit on their hands waiting for some magic day when their lives will improve. We need to be supportive of their struggles now, find and work on ways to alleviate their current suffering, not simply assure them that it will lessen over time. Our schools are not safe, let alone welcoming. In many places in this country, including in my home town, discrimination against LGBTQ persons is legal. Furthermore, in addition to working to ease the lives of queer youth, we need to persuade queer, questioning, and straight youth to get involved in improving their own lives. THE STRUGGLE FOR EQUALITY FOR LGBTQ PERSONS IN THIS COUNTRY IS ONGOING.

So many older queer activists have moved beyond activism for physical safety of queer persons into an effort to include legal recognition of same-sex marriage. Many of these activists live in large urban areas where progress is furthest in the struggle for queer existence. They see the effort for legal recognition of their relationships as the final frontier of the fight for gay rights [sic]. Legal recognition of same-sex marriage may be akin to putting a man on the moon, but in so many places in this country, and in the entire world, we have not even been able to start a space program. Why are so many prominent queer activists focused on securing legal recognition of marriage when many queer youth are afraid to go to their schools for fear of being attacked? THE STRUGGLE FOR EQUALITY FOR LGBTQ PERSONS IN THIS COUNTRY MUST FOCUS FIRST AND FOREMOST ON OUR RIGHT TO EXIST. This right - the right to live - a right so famously laid out by Thomas Jefferson in the Declaration of Independence, a right that our country's founders fought to secure, still eludes LGBTQ persons in this country. I invite, and I urge, everyone to help me secure that right, for you, for me, and for those younger than me including but not limited to those people who identify as or are perceived as members of the queer community.

Be a role model - help make it better.

A FINAL MESSAGE TO ANYONE WHO READS THIS (AND EVERYONE WHO DOESN'T: YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO LIVE! EXERCISE THAT RIGHT!

A link:

The Trevor Project http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

Missing my love

2010-08-15T01:10:00.002-05:00

Today I missed my love especially. It has been twelve years since we made our relationship official (in writing - facebook didn't exist yet).

I reveled in thinking about how stupid I was then, and how I haven't changed all that much since then in certain ways. I replayed my awkwardness over and over in my head. And I replayed our first kiss that ended the awkwardness, at least temporarily, over as well, trying to remember all the details about it that I could, and I surprised myself by how vivid my memory of that scene is. Maybe Ginkgo Girl can profit from making a teeny-bopper movie of my life after all.

I fast-forwarded to many of my favorite times with my love, trying today to focus only on our good times. I remembered countless nights of falling asleep listening to her voice and the feeling of waking up comfortable and secure in her arms. I remembered many instances of my own ineptness and her extraordinary ability to tease without malice. I remembered reading her poems by Rilke and noting which ones she liked to hear. I remembered the conscious effort I made to touch her shoulders rather than her face once she became uncomfortable with her stubble. I remembered sneaking into town in order to be ourselves.

I felt guilty that I was angry with her for so long. I was mad at myself for destroying so much both deliberately and inadvertently. I read the notes I had collected to send to her but never got the chance, and found a curious line: "May sounds nice, but it would have to be late May, after [my brother's] birthday. Don't worry, I won't make you wear that fake green dress I would buy you if I had a million dollars." I racked my brain to remember what the line referred to, but could only come up with one conjecture - we were planning a fantasy wedding.

Joe Donnelly's Latest Stunt

2010-08-14T18:26:00.002-05:00

Joe Donnelly's latest tv ad has garnered national attention. In the ad, Congressman Donnelly (my representative) distances himself from the "Washington leadership" and puts forth an extremely strict and xenophobic position on immigration. Donnelly is a conservative democrat, both fiscally and socially. I am not surprised that his views on immigration are draconian, simplistic, and against the best interests of many residents (immigrants and native US citizens) of his district. I am however puzzled at his apparent need to distance himself from the democratic party even further.

Congressman Donnelly is facing a challenge from the very conservative State Representative Jackie Walorski. Thus, I do not understand the making of this ad from either a philosophical or a political perspective. Philosophically, Congressman Donnelly is already far to the right of both the left-wing and the moderate contingent of the Democratic party. Politically, he will not gain many votes by emphasizing issues on which he agrees with the most conservative Republicans because conservative Republicans in the district will vote for Representative Walorski anyway. A better political strategy for Congressman Donnelly would be to emphasize issues where he disagrees with Walorski in order to mobilize voters in the Democratic base. Voters who can't see the difference between Donnelly and Walorski will be far less likely to go to the polls. Donnelly should not be so complacent as to take the voting block of left-leaning Democrats for granted.

My thoughts on the recent developments in the ADL

2010-08-13T22:01:00.002-05:00

I have disagreed with the ADL, and particularly Abe Foxman, on many issues over the years. Most of these issues have been issues on which Foxman and/or the ADL seek out prejudice and defamation in instances where I feel none exists. In general, Foxman and the ADL are that most sensitive spot on the body of the Jewish people that acts up with the same ferocity for the slightest provocation or lack thereof as it does when beaten with a two-by-four.

Although I have felt that the ADL should calm down on numerous occasions, and remember them being on the useless side of things a lot, I cannot remember thinking that the ADL and Foxman were just plain wrong about something as much as I think that they are on the issue of the mosque and Islamic center which is being built near Ground Zero in NYC. I understand suggesting a voluntary relocation of the center based on controversy avoidance, but assuming that Muslims seeking a place to pray and a multifaith community center are defaming the families of 9/11 victims, many of whom support the center, reaks of Islamaphobia. While I used to regard the ADL as the harmless knight that no one needed around anymore, it seems as though Foxman has turned it into an anti-Muslim political machine.

I personally am embarrassed by the stand that the ADL has taken on this issue. That said, the ADL does not speak for all Jews, and certainly does not speak for me on this issue. I hope that the ADL reconsiders its position, but I fear that that is not likely. I urge people who support (legally, ideologically, or on both fronts) the construction of the center to speak out, and was impressed with the remarks of Mayor Bloomberg. Furthermore, I fear that the ADL will lose any credibility it still has as a watchdog for hatred, as it seems to be engaged in the behavior of hate.

First Instinct

2010-08-13T16:38:00.002-05:00

It still surprises me that after all this time, my first instinct when something extremely exciting or traumatic happens is to call my love. I found a job posting this morning and dialed the number to the ranch and hung up after one ring when I realized that not only is she not at the ranch, but no one is, as her parents are at the hospital - her dad has been admitted and her brother went to live with her aunt for a while.

I've had very limited contact with her mom and her brother lately and her father is in very poor condition after falling off the tractor due to heart problems. I hadn't realized how much I still cared for her parents until her little brother sent me a scared email about their dad. I mean, when people blame you for the death of their child, even if that blame is entirely misplaced, it's hard not to be angry, but they are still family, and I guess always will be.

Update

2010-08-13T00:48:00.002-05:00

Strange times have been had. I have inflammation of my ribcage, which Ginkgo Girl, as H will heretoforth be known in this blog, (yes, I did write this sentence that way to get to use the word heretoforth), thinks she caused by sleeping on my chest. I highly doubt this.

Getting through the middle of July was particularly hard this year.

My love's father is recovering from serious injury.

A friend from NUJLS came to visit. We had lots of fun and took advantage of his chemistry knowledge.

Minute by Minute

2010-07-12T17:56:00.001-05:00

Minute by minute I'm trying to slog through the day. I've even done a few productive things today and managed to eat a little. I'm trying to remember the good things. There were so many good things.

July 12

2010-07-12T00:38:00.002-05:00

Ten years ago, I was happy. I was just another happy camper (literally) at OSRUI having a good time in Chalutzim and putting finishing touches on Yom Horim. I spent menuchah and a little time after lights out writing letters to my girlfriend. I guess it's funny that I don't particularly remember July, 12, 2000 as I had no reason to when it happened. Why should a random Wednesday at camp stick out particularly more than any other day, especially when I didn't know that I would want to remember that day.

In fact, the only thing I know to have happened on that day happened 500 miles away from Oconomowoc. And I didn't know until three days later.

Today, on the other hand, I'm a wreck.

Nomenclature dilemma

2010-07-05T18:13:00.002-05:00

I was going to refer to H as LBG on my blog. LBG, standing for little blonde girl, a term by which she self identifies, would read too much like LBJ, not particularly one of her favorite former presidents. So, I'm trying to think of other options, because initials are silly.

In any event, I met her parents and her sister this weekend, which went rather better than when she met my parents. I think my brother would like her though, not that my parents don't, but they have a funny way of showing it. Not that I really care what my brother thinks.

Also, I confirmed I lost something of importance from my love today. I lost it a while ago but was living under the delusion that I would find it somewhere in my mess. I can no longer live under that illusion. I realize that stuff is stuff, and that memories are more important than stuff, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't like to hold on to what little stuff I have from her.

So... I'm in love.

2010-06-27T02:47:00.003-05:00

I met H for the first time in December, at Hillel of all places. I figured she was too awesome to be single and put her in the no box at that point and didn't really get to know her well initially. She was, at that point, dating someone. Shortly after that, the two of them broke up.

Fast forward to February: my prayer group at Hillel put together a megilah reading and party for Purim. We had a lot of fun, and that was even before we started playing Apples to Apples. We played around 60 cards of Apples to Apples that night, and there were five of us playing, but there was only one person who really had my attention that evening. Together, H and I collected 42 cards, tied at 21 at the end of the game. I offered to walk her home and she consented to my offer. We had a wonderful conversation, albeit a strange one for a first talk. At this point I found out she was single. She closed the door and went up to her apartment, which she calls a flat. I turned to walk home and called a friend to gush about this woman, who I knew almost nothing about at that point other than we shared a sense of humor. Actually, we share a brain, but I did not know that yet.

I started fabricating excuses to hang out with H. She consented to many of my offers to hang out, and we talked about anything and everything. Eventually, I asked her on a date, to which she agreed. She canceled the date a little later, realizing she still had feelings for her ex, with whom she is now back together.

Interestingly enough, I got closer to her after that. She and I would call each other when we needed someone to vent to. She's amazing. I feel so comfortable around her. She understands me and I told her I love her even though she's dating someone else. She's promised to think about things.

Exciting Day

2010-06-27T02:20:00.003-05:00

I woke up at 2:15PM - perhaps that's why I'm having so much trouble going to sleep. The last 24 hours have been quite exciting as well. About midnight Friday into Saturday, I had a seizure. It was the first seizure I had had in over 5 years. I was in bed next to the woman I'm in love with, who I'm not dating, and she dragged me to the hospital, understandably.

I got discharged from the hospital at around 6 in the morning. We went back to her place, which is closer to the ER and finally went to sleep. After waking up in the afternoon, I decided to back out on a commitment I had made for dinnertime because I felt so awful and so drugged from everything they gave me at the ER.

However, H had another idea, which was to go to the Taste of Chicago, where Band from TV was playing. Band from TV includes Hugh Laurie and Jesse Spencer, and H and I had a ball. In return, after the Taste closed for the night I dragged her to one of my favorite spots in Chicago. From the Quincy loop stop, there is an amazing view of the Sears Tower [sic], and tonight was the perfect sort of clear to show her.

Thoughts on Mechitzot

2010-06-14T12:30:00.003-05:00

This year's fourth year graduates of the College at the University of Chicago were first years when I was a fourth year in college. Although I know some people who began college after my fourth year, this year's class is the last class I can say I'm familiar with. Particularly this class is the last one that I helped organize with as a student. As such, I was invited to share a last Shabbat at Hillel with one of them this past weekend. Walking out of Hillel on Saturday afternoon to go home and take a Shabbat nap (something which did not actually happen), one of my acquaintances at Hillel asked me which side of the mechitzah I would sit on if I were to attend services at Yavneh (the Orthodox minyan which meets at Hillel). I told her this is why I haven't been to Yavneh services in so long, which actually might have avoided her real question. So, in this entry I will try to explain my current thoughts on mechitzot and mechitzah minyanim.

I recognize that not all my readers, if I even have any, may be familiar with the idea of a mechitzah. A mechitzah, from the same Hebrew root as chetzi, or half, is a divider common in traditionally observant Jewish worship spaces which separates men from women during prayer. In most prayer groups that use a mechitzah, women are excluded from leading large portions of the service. Thus, the mechitzah serves to separate the uninitiated members (the women) from those initiated. Male children are allowed to sit on either side, being regarded as not-yet-initiated as opposed to uninitiated.

Ideologically and religiously I am personally opposed to such a separation. My religious beliefs necessitate an strict egalitarianism, and ideologically I am opposed to roles in the community that depend on sex or gender. Thus, my personal practice does not include worshiping in spaces with a mechitzah. I find it antithetical to my beliefs.

That said, and I might get kicked out of various progressive camps for saying this, I recognize that some people have a desire and even a religious need for single-sex and/or single-gender spaces. I recognize that having a men's side and a women's side can have a spiritual as well as a social function. However, even if women were separated but not restricted from leadership roles or counting in the quorum as they are at Yavneh, I would be bothered by the mechitzah's presence on an ideological and religious level. The existence of the mechitzah implies a binary between men and women which I do not believe exists.

Furthermore, I have a practical problem with mechitzot. I am a transmasculine thing who has large breasts and does not bind, but wears men's clothing. I read as neither man nor woman or maybe both. I would feel exceedingly uncomfortable on either side of a mechitzah. Furthermore, I feel it is disrespectful for me to sit on the women's side of a mechitzah as I do not identify as a woman. And I would probably be asked to leave most men's sides even if I decided that's where I wanted to sit.

My point is, if offered a choice of which side to sit on, I would prefer neither. I would prefer to pray without a mechitzah, as one community rather than two or even two parts of the community. This is my problem with the idea of tri-chitzah minyanim as well. Why divide the community of prayer?

Fighting

2010-05-30T16:20:00.003-05:00

Ten years ago we fought. Ten years ago we fought an epic battle of words. It lasted many hours. I even insulted her because I knew it would hurt. She did the same. She wanted me not to go to camp. I'd be far away, out of touch. (She was the only successful pen-pal I have ever had, and the only person I habitually wrote from camp.) I wanted her to understand that going to camp did not mean I cared any less about her. I wouldn't be able to see her more if I didn't go, and it sure beat my parents' house for the summer. Plus, that was my Chalutzim year and it was only 7 weeks long, so maybe I could visit for longer at the end of the summer. She wanted me to understand that she would be lonelier without me on the other end of the telephone. But instead of speaking in civilized voices, we yelled angrily. When she hung up the phone, she said, "I love you. I love you more than anything, but, honestly, I kind of hate you right now." That conversation is one of ours I remember most.

A First

2010-05-30T10:02:00.003-05:00

I broke down night before last. I cried. I cried because I had a woman in my arms. I cried because I wanted to kiss her and could not, because I am a gentleman. I excused myself from the room and found myself in a conversation with my beloved about what had just happened. I didn't realize it then, but this woman is the first of my interests I have told my love about.

Elohai N'shamah

2010-05-16T01:18:00.004-05:00

Looking through my old poetry, I found this gem, a meditation on Elohai N'shamah:

God, is my soul pure?

Is it true, what I've been told?

Did You take the time to create it,

to shape it, to breathe it into me?

Is it a gift or a burden?

Is it on loan?

(I can't pay the interest.)

God, is my soul pure?

Parents and trees

2010-05-15T22:48:00.003-05:00

Being at my parent's house is weird and horrible. I get frustrated with the way my parents treat me, which is some mixture of a free-thinking adult and a three-year-old. I got so frustrated tonight that I yelled at them. However, I can't really say I regret doing it. I hope that doesn't make me a horrible person.

This past fall, my parents had to take out two trees from our back yard. One was over 75 feet tall. It was a beautiful two-trunk cottonwood, which had served as plentiful shade (and also first base in our childhood whiffle ball games). The other was a modest white pine. The yard looks completely different (and also largely empty) despite the two remaining trees. It's weird to adjust to, but the weirdest thing is that in order to take the cottonwood out, a crane had to be brought into our neighbors' yard. So they have a different tree in their front yard now, making their house not look at all like the memories I have of it. There is no more tulip poplar there, now there is a small maple.

Love

2010-05-02T22:54:00.003-05:00

When I was a freshman in high school, I went to some sort of workshop at a NFTY event run by Rabbi Arnold Jacob Wolf, z"l. I don't remember what this particular workshop involved, but I remember Rabbi Wolf coming up with a definition of love. He said that love is an entirely selfless thing, not a give-and-take situation. At the time, though I was in love, I did not believe him. When my love died, I understood what he meant. I would have given anything for her.

My saddest day

2010-04-28T19:18:00.003-05:00

I hadn't thought about my experiences on July 15, 2000, in a direct way in a long time. My conversation last night caused me to remember what happened. I was at Chalutzim at OSRUI that year, and I received a letter. At first I thought it was from my beloved, but it was from her parents. I remember the stamp held an image of the American flag. I remember reading how sorry they were that this was the only way to reach me, the only way to tell me, and that "their son" had committed suicide. They had found my love on July 12, dressed in a suit and tie, on the floor. It was too late. They knew that we had been close and considered me like family.

There was no way not to believe them. But I also could not deal with it properly. I wanted to run away from the news. I felt that if I could just get far enough away from that piece of paper doom it would go away. I ran from Chalutzim to Tiferet to search one of my former counselors (I did not feel I could trust the Chalutzim madrichim). I found one of my all-time favorite counselors who asked me what was wrong.

I remember saying, "She's dead. She's dead." I was sobbing by that point.

"I'm sorry. Who was she?"

"My life," I said. I'm not sure if I had ever put it in those terms before, and I'm not sure if he understood what I meant. He helped me calm down a little, and I think I told him then that she was "a good friend" of mine and a little bit more about her.

He helped me calm down, but by the end of the conversation, I was angry at her, and remained so for a long time. How could she have done this to me? (Clearly, she had never really loved me.)

I guess this was the start of my grieving process for her.

Uncovering My Head

2010-04-26T16:22:00.003-05:00

I have stopped always covering my head. Almost ten years ago, in August of 2000, I started covering my head all the time in hopes of doing something active to make myself more mindful. I did this because I felt guilty. There must have been something I did or something I could have done that I didn't do to prevent my love's suicide. Recognizing that I am not at fault for her death was an important step.

In the meantime, I have been accustomed to wearing a hat or kippah all the time. However, if I am serious in my approach to Judaism, I have to be just as willing to reexamine and abandon practices that are not adequately meaningful or that I am doing for the wrong reasons as I am quick to adopt new and meaningful practices for the right reasons.

Thus, the headcoverings are coming off, at least most of the time. I still feel naked without one, but I am hoping that will pass.

The Power of a Few Good Tears

2010-04-26T02:19:00.003-05:00

I awoke today with the sense of an innocent fourteen-year-old. I felt my love's arms wrapped around me. The chords of our song were in my head and I could smell the aftereffects of an August rainstorm.

When I came to my twenty-four-year-old senses, I cried and now I feel oddly peaceful.

An Old Orange Stegosaurus

2010-04-14T14:19:00.003-05:00

Today, in my grief, I picked up the old orange stegosaurus eraser that my beloved had given me as a gift in elementary school. It's one of those erasers from those quarter eraser machines every elementary school seemed to have in the early '90s. When I picked it up, I had a flashback to when she gave it to me. I saw her, felt her press it into my open palm, saying "I know you like dinosaurs." I decided to carry it with me today because of that.

Amazing Experience

2010-04-14T06:53:00.004-05:00

Sometimes, when you need to do amazing things you get to. Sometimes, when you need to do amazing things you get to, even if you haven't planned on it and even if the person who suggests doing them doesn't know you need to do amazing things. Yesterday, I went to the drum circle event at Rockefeller Chapel as a part of UofC's C.R.A.S.H week. It was certainly a fun experience. Since the drum circle happened right before the weekly carillon concert, we were able to carry our drums up the 271 stairs to the top balcony of the chapel (and also to the carillon room - I got to play notes on the carillon). Having the extraordinary experience of the view from the top of Rockefeller was definitely worth the climb (and the descent). Also, it was an experience I definitely needed to have yesterday, at least in retrospect.

The Unexpected

2010-04-13T07:13:00.003-05:00

Memory, sadness, and anger have a tendency to creep up on me unexpectedly. Yesterday, I was asked an innocent question about my familiarity with a certain geographic area, which I answered very succinctly as to avoid any sort of break down. Which was successful for a while, until I got an email at an old account from my love's little brother. I haven't heard from anyone in her family for several years. Much later in the day I could not sleep I was so saddened.

Yizkor

2010-04-08T22:17:00.002-05:00

So I ran late to 7th-and-last day of Pesach services at my synagogue on Monday. I am glad I made it. It was not the first time I had said Yizkor for my love, but it was the first time I felt no need to hide any part of my identity or hers in order to do so. I even refrained from breaking down during services, though I did cry when I returned to the relative safety of my apartment. Of all the occasions for Yizkor, Pesach tends to be the hardest for me. Perhaps because saying Yizkor for my love reminds me even more than does the Seder that redemption is not complete.

Next Year May We All Be Free

2010-03-28T15:01:00.005-05:00

On Pesach (Passover), Jews are commanded to tell the story of the Exodus. This telling has (at least) three major functions. First, it is a remembrance: we remember the Exodus as it happened to our ancestors (mythologically if not historically), as we read, "My father was a fugitive Aramean." Second, we place ourselves into the Exodus from Egypt, as it is said: In every generation, each [Jewish] person must see hirself as though ze came out from Egypt. And third, Pesach is a recognition that slavery exists in our own time and a petition based on our hope that one day, everyone will be redeemed.

This passage from past to present to future (or possibly combination of the three) is part of what makes the Seder such a compelling family occasion. The juxtaposition of reclining during the meal with the eating of matzah, the bread of affliction, shows the mix of our joy in redemption and our remembrance of slavery and the Exodus.

Next year may we all be free!

Shabbat Zachor

2010-02-26T23:09:00.003-06:00

Most Jews celebrating Shabbat Zachor this week are remembering to wipe out Amalek from their memories. I, however, am dealing with a different relationship with memory this Shabbat. I am trying to remember so many things, but many of them seem out of reach.

This Shabbat marks ten years to the day from the last time I saw my love face to face. I remember the qualities of our interactions better than the specifics now. I miss her.

Respect

2009-12-30T19:56:00.003-06:00

Recently, an event about gay men in the Orthodox Jewish world was hosted at Yeshiva University. The purpose of the event was to allow Orthodox gay men to share their stories and for a broad Orthodox audience to hear those stories. However, the aftermath of the event tends to ignore the stories of these men. Instead, those concerned with the events have chosen to focus on issues of the proper halakhot concerning homosexual men and with issues of academic freedom and who does and should have the right to speak how on what topic at YU.

While I admire the progress that has led to this event being able to happen at YU, I can't help but feel ambivalent about the outcome. An event whose purpose seemed to be to put faces and stories together with the all-too-often-ignored identity of gay and Orthodox has been simplified to a catalyst for a conversation about halakha and whether Yeshiva University should be more yeshiva or more university. So even my progessive Orthodox (and non-Jewish) friends haven't wanted to talk to me about the power of Jewish Queer Youth founder Mordechai Levovitz's story, or those of his contemporaries, but rather about abstract ideas related to the theory of YU hosting such an event.

While they might have theoretical and academic aspects, recognition and respect are concrete, practical issues. We Jews tend to invalidate the experience and even the existence of anyone in the Jewish community who doesn't fit our conception of the "normal" Jew. Jews do not gamble, Jews are not alcoholics, Jews are not crazy, and Jews are not gay. Furthermore, Jews of a certain age are in happy, legal (both Jewishly and civilly) marriages with cisgendered cross-sex spouses and have smart, healthy, well-adjusted children who will grow up to make aliyah to Israel (and of course also be in happy,legal marriages with cisgendered cross-sex Jewish spouses). As long as we keep the conversation in theory, we're good. But this idea breaks down as soon as you go to a JACS meeting, or a NUJLS event, or meet the nice non-Jewish transmasculine partner of your son.

But it seems to me that people who attended or even read or heard about this event at YU have met out Jewish Orthodox gay men and ignored their experiences in favor of using the idea of their experiences to spark conversation that serves their own agenda. So, while I admire the progress that led to the event, it's hard for me to consider the event a success.

Open Letter to Mr. Alan Solow

2009-12-26T16:30:00.002-06:00

Dear Mr. Solow,

I was disappointed to read your statement in response to Ms. Hannah Rosenthal's condemnation of Michael Oren's comments against the (American Jewish) organization J Street. In it, you write:

"As an official of the United States government, it is inappropriate for the anti-Semitism envoy to be expressing her personal views on the positions Ambassador Oren has taken as well as on the subject of who needs to be heard from in the Jewish community. Such statements have nothing to do with her responsibilities and, based upon comments I am already receiving, could threaten to limit her effectiveness in the area for which she is actually responsible."

Many aspects of your statement are of great concern to me. I fear that you may be falling into the same ruts that you accuse Ms. Rosenthal of being stuck in.

First, you state that U.S. government officials should not express their personal criticism of Ambassador Oren's views. Perhaps this is correct. However, the Obama administration recognizes the value of each person's voice and each organization's view, so Ms. Rosenthal criticizing the notion that some views are inherently invalid and not worthy is in keeping with the President's message of open dialogue and collaboration on a whole host of issues.

You also state that it is inappropriate for Ms. Rosenthal, as the anti-Semitism envoy, to express her views on "who needs to be heard from in the Jewish community." Your reasoning is that this area has nothing to do with her position in the administration as head of the Office to Monitor and Combat Anti-Semitism. Anti-Semitism is built on the assumption that all Jews are the same, and moreover, that Jews are inferior and deserving of hatred. Therefore, it seems to me that it is well within the purview of Ms. Rosenthal, and certainly in the interest of American Jews, to ensure that as many Jewish voices as possible are heard on as many subjects as possible, and that people (yes, even Jews) who attempt silence these voices should be called out and counteracted. To borrow a slogan from the religiously-liberal Jewish movements in Israel, "yesh yoter miderech echad l'hiyot y'hudi" - "there is more than one way to be Jewish." Jews have more than one organization, more than one voice, and certainly more than one opinion. The sooner we project our diversity to the world, the sooner knowledge can start eliminating prejudice - and making the world aware of the whole range of Jewish voices is not only within the area for which Ms. Rosenthal is responsible, it is also a goal that she, you, and all major Jewish figures, even all Jews, should pursue.

So, in the future, Mr. Solow, please be more careful to make sure your comments are constructive in advancing the rights and privileges of the Jewish people, and not contributing to the silencing of Jewish voices.

Sincerely,

J. Stanton

On the 2nd day of Christmas, I post my 1st Shabbat Chanukah d'var Torah

2009-12-26T14:47:00.002-06:00

11 December 2009 - Parashat Vayeshev - On Power: The Stories of Joseph, Judah, and Tamar - 25 Kislev 5770

"Not by might, nor by power, but by My spirit." (Zechariah 4:6)

Most Shabbatot, the Haftarah portion, or reading from the prophetic tradition, is deliberately thematically linked to the week's parashah, or Torah reading. Most Shabbatot, the Haftarah selection is paired with the Torah text in an intentional manner. Not this week. So, why is this Shabbat different from all other Shabbatot? (I know, I know - wrong holiday.) This Shabbat, the Haftarah reading is dictated by the calendar (first Shabbat Chanukah) rather than the parashah. However, I think the pairing of Parashat Vayeshev with this special first-Shabbat-Chanukah passage from Zechariah is more fitting than the "thematic" Amos pairing, which draws only a weak parallel between Joseph's brothers selling him into slavery and the Israelites not caring about their fellow.

Parashat Vayeshev, Genesis 37:1-40:23, opens with a description of Joseph's role in Jacob's family. Joseph tends the flocks and spies on his brothers for his father. Joseph, Jacob's favorite son, also wears his "amazing Technicolor dreamcoat," a gift from his father, and speaks of prophetic dreams in which symbols of his siblings bow to a symbol of him. One day, while Joseph is saying, his brothers conspire to kill him. Reuben and Judah act, and Joseph is sold into slavery instead. The brothers let Jacob think his favorite son is dead.

Meanwhile, Judah gets married and has three sons. Er, his first-born, marries a woman named Tamar, but Er "was displeasing to the Lord," so God smites him. Onan, the next son, has a duty to Er and Tamar as a levirate, but he shirks his duty and God kills him too. Afraid to give him third-and-last son to Tamar, Judah sends his daughter-in-law back to her father's house. Scorned, Tamar tricks Judah into relations with her and bears twins. Tamar is an ancestor of King David.

The text returns to Joseph. Potiphar, a courtier of Pharaoh, buys Joseph. Potiphar trusts Joseph and grants him authority in the house. Potiphar's wife makes the moves on Joseph, but Joseph refuses to comply, prompting Potiphar's wife to claim rape, resulting in Joseph's arrest. In prison, Joseph becomes an interpreter of dreams. His foretellings are accurate, but his gift remains as yet unacknowledged.

"Not by might, nor by power, but by My spirit."

"The role of power in Parashat Vayeshev is central and at times complex. So, I went searching in my Torah Queeries anthology, a collection of divrei-Torah, with a queer focus, to examine the role of power-dynamics in Parashat Vayeshev. What I found was disappointing. Gregg Drinkwater states he is convinced that Joseph is the easiest-to-queer and most-often-queered character in Torah, and that he agrees that Joseph can be read as queer. But, Drinkwater ambivalently presents only superficial evidence for Joseph's queerness related to Joseph's attire, attitude, and actions. While Joseph's good looks, chaste nature, and mostly midrashic affinity for fashion might point to his difference, his queerness (if it exists) is displayed in his relationship to power. In this parashah, Joseph starts with a power bestowed on him by a supportive parent, only to have that power stripped from him by a dreamer-bashing band of brothers (to paraphrase Drinkwater). Joseph is sold to Potiphar and again granted power by the powerful, only to lose both power and freedom by acting according to his conscience. In prison, Joseph encounters Pharaoh's chief cupbearer and chief baker and interprets their dreams, giving credit to God. Later in Genesis, this becomes Joseph's Get-Out-Of-Jail-Free Card.

"Not by might, nor by power, but by My spirit."

Furthermore, any interpretation of Vayeshev which leaves out the story of Judah and Tamar or dismisses it as merely an historical section sandwiched between "the interesting stuff" is incomplete. However you conceive of the authorship of Torah, to assume Torah has parts with no modern relevance is to deny its role as sacred text. While Joseph loses power in Vayeshev, Tamar gains it. By taking matters into her own hands, she is able to bear sons, continuing the tribe of Judah and enabling a future line of kings. Just as Tamar's story enables the Davidic line, Joseph's story sets up the biggest power-play in Torah: the Exodus. Without Joseph's loss of and rise to power, the Israelites may not have taken refuge in Egypt during famine, and without the experience of slavery in Egypt, redemption would be impossible and later revelation unnecessary. But, I digress. In both Tamar's case and that of Joseph, power is important, but until God's role in the situation is acknowledged, power remains meaningless.

"Not by might, nor by power, but by My spirit."

God gives significance to power. Without God, power is present or absent. With God, power is shared or hoarded, useful or counterproductive, reasonable or unreasonable, like or disliked, good or evil, holy or profane. Let us recognize what power we have, let us recognize what power we lack, and let us strive to acknowledge the divine Presence in our world. O God, on this first Shabbat of Chanukah, when we are reminded of the great miracle that happened there, help us to see the many miracles, great and small, that Your spirit creates in our lives. Then will we reflect the words recorded by the prophet Zechariah, "Not by might, nor by power, but by My spirit."

A Wish on Christmas (Does that make this a Christmas wish?)

2009-12-24T23:51:00.002-06:00

Sometimes, well, truth be told, often, I wish there was an on-off switch for being a token fill-in-the-blank. Most of the time, I am glad to answer questions about my gender identity, dispel myths about various sorts of queers, or discuss (at length) Arab-Israeli conflict. I usually don't mind being the only Midwesterner around, or the only sports fan, or wannabe-theater-geek. I will be patient and explain that, "No, Jews don't believe Jesus was the Messiah," as many times as necessary for someone to understand or at least stop bugging me about it. But sometimes, I just want to be me. I don't want to be Hoosier me, or UofC-educated me, or former-Obama-campaign-intern me, or jobless me, or Jewish me, or queer me, or trans me, or guy me, or dyke me, or even queer-Jew me. I just want to be me. So why does the Token Hat seemed superglued to my head?

What Religion Means (a post surprisingly not about the definition of religion)

2009-12-23T22:00:00.002-06:00

The Vatican has moved forward with the second of four official steps in the canonization process of Pope Pius XII. The (now officially) Venerable Pius XII has had his heroic virtues confirmed by the papacy.

Pope during World War II, Pius' relationship with antisemitism and the Holocaust is complicated. Although the Church helped some individual Jews during the Holocaust, the Vatican remained politically neutral, and some statements denied that anything was amiss with the increasing number of antisemitic laws and actions the Nazis were responsible for. Though Pius was informed no later than 1941 of deportations of Jews (which led to mass murder), the Vatican did not take a public stance on deportations until 1944 (shortly after which deportations ceased). After the war, Pius XII was involved in holding to a 1946 document stating that baptized Jewish children who were orphans because of the Holocaust should stay in the custody of their Catholic caregivers.

I recognize that Pope Pius XII's history is complicated. I fail to understand the Vatican's surprise at reactions from the Jewish community to this development. A defensive statement from the Vatican on the issue:

Moving Pius toward sainthood “is in no way to be read as a hostile act towards the Jewish people, and it is to be hoped that it will not be considered as an obstacle on the path of dialogue between Judaism and the Catholic Church,” Father Lombardi wrote.

Right. Jews are supposed to ignore Pius XII's silence in the face of evil and failure to intervene to prevent further harm in order to maintain "dialogue" with a Church wanting to call him saintly. Furthermore, Catholics are supposed to ignore his flaws and see that his virtues are "heroic." To add insult to injury, the Vatican spokesman, the Rev. Federico Lombardi, issued a statement saying that the beatification process evaluated the “Christian life” of Pius, who reigned from 1939 to 1958, and not “the historical impact of all his operative decisions.”

What? To me, this reads, "He was a good Christian, even if he wasn't a good person." If that is even possible, saints should exemplify the intersection of good Christian and good person. I, for one, maintain that the purpose of religion in the modern world (whatever that is) is to establish a mode for the individual to better hirself and hir community. If being a good Christian doesn't make you a good person, then what is the point? (Asks a Jew.) If being a good Christian implies being a good person, as it should, then anyone being promoted for official sainthood should fit inside the good-person box. For the Vatican to admit that Pope Pius XII might fall short, yet still advance him on the path to sainthood puzzles me.

Home for the Holidays

2009-09-28T21:05:00.003-05:00

There are certain things I dread about coming home, the foremost of which being how my parents and I will get along. After that, one of the biggest things is how many folks I have to hide myself from. I can count one fewer person among that group today. One of my fellow congregants, who is in my parents' age-group, subtly told me on Rosh HaShanah that she has known I am queer (specifically trans) for some time. Earlier today, on Yom Kippur, I asked her forgiveness for not having come out to her. She didn't know why I was asking. I asked her how long she had known, and she said essentially since my freshman year of high school. (I haven't even known, or at least been able to put my finger on it, for that long.) We had a good discussion about whether she should have told me, concluding finally that she shouldn't have, because I wouldn't have believed her. It's good to have someone at home I can talk to who is not only supportive but also understanding.

Here's hoping for a good year.

A Poem by my Grandfather's Rabbi, Alvin Fine

2009-09-22T19:24:00.005-05:00

Birth is a beginning
And death a destination.
And life is a journey:
From childhood to maturity
And youth to age;
From innocence to awareness
And ignorance to knowing;
From foolishness to discretion
And then, perhaps, to wisdom;
From weakness to strength
Or strength to weakness-
And, often, back again;
From health to sickness
And back, we pray, to health again;
From offense to forgiveness,
From loneliness to love,
From pain to compassion,
And grief to understanding-
From fear to faith;
From defeat to defeat to defeat-
Until, looking backward or ahead,
We see that victory lies
Not at some high place along the way,
But in having made the journey, stage by stage,
A sacred pilgrimage.
Birth is a beginning
And death a destination
And life is a journey,
A sacred pilgrimage-
To life everlasting.

New Year, New Attitude?

2009-09-21T15:20:00.002-05:00

Shanah tovah!

This year will be a very different one for me. I am living on my own (well, with a roommate), but not at home or in a school dorm. I am looking to start a career. I am looking to be more myself.

I pray that I may have the confidence to be myself, to like myself, and to become a me that I like.

Drinking

2009-08-28T20:37:00.002-05:00

Today is the first time in a long time I have wanted to drink, and it may be the time I have most wanted to drink in my life. I don't intend to break my sobriety, but it's awfully tempting right now.

Frustration

2009-08-26T22:04:00.003-05:00

It's been a while. A long while. Yet still, every once in a while I am surprised that my love is not there, that she has not called, that I have received no letter recently. So I go to call, or write, and then realize the reality of the situation. Sometimes this provokes additional sadness or even tears, but most times it elicits inward-reflecting frustration on my part, for not being able to move on appropriately.

Shabbat Nachamu

2009-08-02T14:17:00.005-05:00

Shabbat Nachamu, this past Shabbat, is the first in a series of seven special shabbatot with haftarot of conciliation. Shabbat Nachamu, named for the week's Haftarah portion, signifies the start of the build-up to Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, a start to the end of oppression and to a new life. However, this year I don't feel comforted. I am not commanded to be comforted, and if I am, I disobey a commandment. I want to wallow in my grief. I need to wallow in my grief.

Cancer?

2009-07-24T21:40:00.003-05:00

I might have breast cancer. I go for more tests on Friday. I'm hoping everything is ok, but not getting my expectations too high.

Hard Day's Night

2009-07-12T20:27:00.001-05:00

Nine years. Nine years. I don't know what else to say today. My brain is elsewhere, as you might imagine.

Gradu - I mean - Convocation

2009-06-15T08:23:00.004-05:00

So my convocation was on Saturday. I graduated from the College at the University of Chicago outside in Chicago's cold rain. It wasn't quite as bad as it seemed. I wore a kippah, of course, and President Zimmer wished me Shabbat Shalom. That was ... unexpected. So, I am now University of Chicago Alum(nus) AB '09. (Yeah, we're weird.)

I've been reflecting on what being a graduate means to me, and what I have gained from my lengthy college experience. First, graduation is an accomplishment: I have achieved getting through the Core, the language requirement, specifications for my concentration [sic], and even the physical fitness requirement. Second, graduation marks a transition (I happen into those a lot). Graduation is a transition from a learning community in the liberal arts to the general world or specialized academia. Third, graduation is a sign not that I am done learning, but that I have amassed the tools to learn by myself, at least to some extent. Fourth, graduation indicates solidarity with fellow grads, especially when you sit through a rainy ceremony. Lastly, graduation indicates for me a triumph, an overcoming of unforseen adversity.

Congrats, class of 2009!

On a happier note...

2009-06-12T07:29:00.002-05:00

I graduate from college tomorrow. Exciting and terrifying both.

Feeling (some) better

2009-06-12T07:21:00.002-05:00

Today is starting out much better than yesterday. Thank whoever.

Time Warp

2009-06-11T21:19:00.003-05:00

On the train into Chicago today (which took 4 hours to Hyde Park - ridiculous), I saw a young boy who looked just about like my love did when she was that age. I listened and he sounded just like her at that age. It made me miss her more. I had to hold back my tears because I did not want to cry on the train.

I Never Dreamed You'd Leave in Summer

2009-06-09T21:45:00.003-05:00

The summer season (and late spring) bring much sadness into my life. The bookends of May 20th and August 4th are provided by the dates of death of the grandparents I was fortunate enough to know. In between lie many tragic events in my life. In particular, the death of my beloved, which haunts me alwaays, lies especially heavy this time of year. Today it's been too much for me to handle.

Reposted: Call for Submissions: Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation

2009-06-09T10:36:00.000-05:00

Call For Submissions
GENDER OUTLAWS: THE NEXT GENERATION
Kate Bornstein & S Bear Bergman, eds

Deadline: 1 September 2009

In the fifteen years since the release of Gender Outlaw, transgender narratives have made their way into cultural locations from the margins to the mainstream and back again. Today's trannies and other sex/gender radicals are writing a radically new world into being. GENDER OUTLAWS: THE NEXT GENERATION (Seal Press) will collect and contextualize the work of this generation's most forward-thinking trans/genderqueer voices—new voices from the stage, on the streets, in the workplace, in the bedroom, and on the pages and websites of the world's most respected mainstream news sources. Edited by that ol' original Gender Outlaw herself, Kate Bornstein and writer, raconteur, and theater artist S. Bear Bergman, GENDER OUTLAWS: THE NEXT GENERATION will include essays, commentary, comic art and conversation from a diverse a group of trans-spectrum people who live and believe in barrier-breaking lives.

*What we’re looking for*

GENDER OUTLAWS: THE NEXT GENERATION wants to collect work that represents a quantum leap forward in thinking and talking about gender and the gender binary, in the same way Gender Outlaw did almost twenty years ago. So blow us away. Bring the smart, bring the sexy, blind us with science, break the gender barrier, shine a bright light (or a disco ball) on the whole gender situation. Tell us about your future, what you imagine, how you want things to go and what you (and your friends) intend to do about it. Think big.

We’ll look at whatever you have for us – essays, graphic art, interviews/conversations, haiku, rants – as long as you’re thinking smart and fresh about sex and gender (and being an outlaw, of course). We will feel especially keen about your work if it adds to or advances the conversation about gender (as distinct from simply reflecting it, or lamenting it).

People of any identity are encouraged to submit work. This means you – yes, you!

We intend to privilege non-normatively gendered/sexed voices in the book but will include all the good stuff we can, regardless of current identifiers of the author.

*The Details*

Deadline: Sept 1 (early submissions are encouraged). Submissions should be unpublished; query if you have a reprint that you think we’ll swoon for. While we hesitate to list a maximum, please query first for pieces over 4,000 words. If you have an idea and need help writing it out, contact us to discuss an interview-style piece or other accommodations.

Submit as a Word document or black/white JPEG (no files over 2MB). Please include a cover letter with a brief bio and full contact information (mailing address, phone number, pseudonym if appropriate) when you submit. Submissions without complete contact information will be deleted unread. Payment will be $50 and 2 copies of the book upon publication in Fall 2010. Contributors retain the rights to their pieces. Send your submission as an attachment to genderoutlawsnextgeneration@gmail.com.

~please repost lots and lots, as appropriate~

Deleting E-mails

2009-06-09T10:34:00.001-05:00

Deleting email seems to be an easy task, but when you've got nearly 12,000 in your inbox, getting it down to (hopefully) 4 or 5 is an almost impossible dream. Anyway, it keeps me preoccupied.

Moving out soon, hopefully

2009-06-09T10:29:00.002-05:00

I will hopefully be moving out of my parents house soon. Moving to Chicago from South Bend will be nice as well. Maybe I can finally meet some new interesting people, as I think I have exhausted the supply in SB. My opportunities for a social circle my age will increase. Even though I like a lot of the folks I met on the campaign and in other volunteer activities, their lives are more established than my own.

Grandma's Yahrzeit

2009-05-26T21:46:00.003-05:00

My grandmother's yahrzeit was this past week. It's been nineteen years, and the few memories that I had formed surrounding her are dimming. Most of what I know about her comes from stories about her, facts about her life, trinkets that she left behind. I wish I had kept those hunter green pajamas with white polka dots she gave me our last Chanukah together - if only to have something tangible left of her. The intangibles are many, but their vibrance is fading. Her voice is harder to recall now, as are her mannerisms, and the only habit of hers I remember is the naps she took every afternoon. However, her kindness will live on forever.

What a relief

2009-05-05T09:49:00.003-05:00

I find relief when someone puts facts about me together by hirself, saving me from the choice of a lot of explanation or continuing to hide. When I can answer what my name is, and not what my entire life story is or has been until now, I am relieved. And its's always good to hear someone refer to me properly.

Reverend Debra Haffner's blog

2009-04-15T17:34:00.002-05:00

I just discovered Rev. Haffner's blog today. How interesting!

Pesach

2009-04-15T09:21:00.003-05:00

This was always her favorite time of year - the Passover time of year, Easter time of year. So I miss her more now, wish she could be here more now, wish I could share these moments with her more now.

I don't mean to be fixated so much on her, but I still love her, and am still puzzled.

Twitter

2009-04-08T09:12:00.002-05:00

I have just joined twitter, which makes me a microblogging newbie, I suppose. Anyway, username kythester.

NUJLS (again)

2009-04-07T21:40:00.001-05:00

I loved seeing old friends at NUJLS this year, and especially meeting new ones. Who knew there are so many amazing queer Jews?

And now back to reality...

NUJLS CONFERENCE 2009

2009-04-04T02:56:00.005-05:00

NUJLS (National Union of Jewish LGBTQQI Students) is holding its annual conference this Shabbat (AKA right now) at Penn. So far I've managed to catch up with old friends and meet a few new ones. I am excited for the workshops, which start Saturday afternoon. It is wonderful and necessary to have an organization that empowers (I cannot believe I am using the word) Jewish queer folk to be secure in both their Jewish and their queer identities *at the same time.* NUJLS has certainly benefited my life, in everything from education to confidence, religiousness to my friends. I am glad that I, as a conference organizer, am able to help bring those benefits to other queer Jews.

Also, this year our keynote is Kate Bornstein, which is unbelievably awesome.

My only regret is that not all religions have such groups as this, and young people from those faith traditions suffer because they feel they are alone. One such young person was my beloved, and every NUJLS conference I go to, her life is on my mind (moreso than usual).

Mourning Jonah Dreskin

2009-03-09T09:18:00.005-05:00

Jonah Dreskin, son of Rabbi Billy Dreskin and Cantor Ellen Dreskin, both teachers of mine, was found barely alive outside his college dorm room at the University at Buffalo (SUNY Buffalo) late Wednesday night and subsequently pronounced dead at an area hospital. It seems, at first, weird to mourn someone whom I did not know personally, but as a Jew, I have practice. From an early age, I was taught to mourn the victims of the Holocaust -11-13 million, including 6 million Jews. But this is different. Jonah was the victim of a singular tragedy. I guess I'm not so much mourning my loss of him, but the loss of those around him.

Command Day

2009-03-04T08:04:00.000-06:00

I'm also a regular nerd.

Square Root Day

2009-03-03T18:13:00.000-06:00

The math nerd re-emerges!

Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T14:46:00.003-06:00

I'm sad around Valentine's Day, almost yearly. Not because I don't have a date, or because I do. Rather, it's because my beloved's birthday is/was around this time, and I miss sharing that day with her.

Now that Barack is President...

2009-02-14T14:45:00.003-06:00

I feel better about the world.

Boxers or Boxer Briefs

2009-01-06T14:32:00.003-06:00

So, in recent days (or weeks now, I suppose), I met the only other trans-Jew in South Bend. It was good to share experiences with her, and I hope our friendship will continue, even though she will be returning to New York soon. Anyway, we went on a rare (for me) excursion to a gay bar in town and were discussing that neither of us had switched what type of undergarments we were wearing, so we went on a shopping spree. Now my question is boxers or boxer briefs. I see advantages and disadvantages in both. Thoughts?

Reflections on the Life of Rabbi Arnold Jacob Wolf

2008-12-25T18:32:00.005-06:00

So, perhaps, this entry ought to be called my interactions with Rabbi Wolf, z"l. I met him when I was in high school through my involvement in NFTY-CAR. He had a gruff personality, but a good heart. He told me he would not call my by my (then) nickname, but rather by my given name, because he thought that my nickname was diminutive, and he wanted to show respect for me.

I remember vividly the first session I went that he did. It was about prayer, and I firmly stated that I did not see the purpose of saying the g'vurot because I do not believe that God has the power to heal the sick, lift the fallen, or free the captive. He argued that that may be the case, but God created people, who have the power to do so.

At another session, he proclaimed it impossible to be "spiritual, not religious." At a third he said it is more important to keep kosher outside the home than inside it.

When Jewish-Muslim Dialogue at the University of Chicago visited KAM Isaiah Israel, Rabbi Wolf appeared out of nowhere to ask us what is necessary for a Jewish community. The answer? A minyan.

Rabbi Wolf was always an advocate for social justice and civil rights. In response to Hillels of Illinois holding an event in the Congress Hotel, he told me to cross the picket line in order to get the people inside to join the strike.

He was a man who was never afraid to say what he thought. He was steeped in tradition and immersed in the modern world.

Rabbi Arnold Jacob Wolf (1924-2008) zichrono livracha

On the Days I Wish I Could Forget

2008-11-20T06:15:00.003-06:00

On the days I wish I could forget, I remember most. Sometimes I wish I could block out what happened, block out that it happened, and have my beloved back in my arms. Of course, I understand the drive to suicide better than most, but that doesn't make hers any easier to deal with. I wish that I had someone who knew my beloved, really knew her, to talk to, but no one like that exists, at least no one that I talk to anymore. Anyway, I guess the point is that I miss her, that I can't forget, no matter how hard I try, and that the truth is that I really don't want to.

Time Goes Fast, But All Too Slowly

2008-11-14T09:55:00.004-06:00

I think back to four months ago, or even back to March, and it seems like all the events in that time period only happened within a few days, but now passing the time seems to take forever.

A Brighter Tomorrow

2008-11-11T08:17:00.003-06:00

"Change is coming to America." - President-Elect Barack Obama, November 4th, 2008 (Chicago, IL)

Typing that is so surreal for me right now. I know that we elected him, but I find it hard to recognize all the implications. Working in Indiana, I find this victory especially meaningful, as even Indiana voted for Barack. In fact, Indiana had the second largest shift in the country, right behind Hawaii.

Anyway, more on this when I figure out what to say.

Meeting Barack

2008-10-24T23:04:00.002-05:00

Thursday I had the opportunity to meet Senator Barack Obama in Indianapolis. What a day!

The Soul that You Have Given Me, O God, is a Pure One

2008-10-07T17:41:00.005-05:00

I have been coming closer and closer to the line between genderqueer and transgender. At times I feel I have stepped over it, but I am not sure. For the first time, I feel confused concerning myself. Confusion is a strange state in which to be, and I don't like it.

In many ways, my life would be easier as a transman than as a genderqueer person. There would be an actual identity box, if you will, for me to live in, as opposed to the lack thereof. The answers would be ready-made, at least most of them. However, I'm not sure that simply being masculine is enough to push me over the line.

I do know that either way, I am secure in the knowledge that I am created in the divine image, but I just wish I had some answers right now.

Explaining my absence from blogging

2008-10-07T03:06:00.002-05:00

I am currently an intern for the Obama campaign and thus have been busy. Having a little bit of insomnia I am able to write. Not much new is happening, but it looks like there's a shot for Obama to win in Indiana, which would be nothing less than incredible. I will be able to post more when the campaign is over. Shanah tovah um'tukah.

Shabbat Nachamu

2008-08-15T08:27:00.006-05:00

Tonight begins Shabbat Nachamu, my favorite Shabbat, as you might guess from the name of my blog. The first Shabbat after Tisha b'Av, it is named after the Haftarah portion, which begins with the words nachamu, nachamu ami (take comfort my people). These words were offered after the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem in 586 BCE, but they are still needed today. We are faced with many devastating realities, and we need to remember that we can take comfort in what we have.